We all know the story- girl fell off horse. Girl broke her back. Long road to recovery somehow gracefully and tadaaaaa- in 6 months she's back and work, and 7 months she's riding and jogging again. It was truly the biggest challenge of my life but one that for some reason, I was never phased by. The glass was always half full. The Glory and Truth of the Gospel, I suppose....at least I'd like to think. This time, well, it's different....
It started over the holidays...just a dull ache when I woke up. Maybe after a hard shift at work. It progressed until at the beginning of February I couldn't even walk out to my car after work....how embarrassing to have security wheel you out in a wheelchair. But it was oh-so-necessary. After accosting one of our neurosurgeons (Team Alex shout out) in the hallway at work, I was suddenly in x-rays again and sitting in an office. Wow...de ja vu, eh? Basically, in very stupid-people terms because even for me it's hard to understand: There is an angle (Angle of Cobb) of your vertebra that measures kyphosis- or deformation. It's the angle they use to measure scoliosis and all that fab stuff. Anyway, normal people it's 10 degrees. At the time of my accident, it had only deformed to 14...not shabby. It was the compression of my vertebra that was so unstable then. Well then comes the month bed rest, 4 months in turtle shell and 6 months light activity and WHOOOPIE- Angle down to 7. Ha- not the end of the story folks....somehow, over my period of starting to find my "normal" (refer to former posts), my angle is now at 26...My neurosurgeon says he does spinal fusions at 30. For a visual, if you crush a coke can, you may be able to try and pull it back out to its original height, but the insides are never the same. They are brittle, break and splinter. My vertebra is basically crumbling and breaking....
Yeah- take a breather for that one. I needed tequila or something of the sort. Anywho, I was assigned no work and light activity and rest for 5 weeks until follow up X-rays. My doc believes that maybe rest will allow the vertebra to heal and we can escape a fusion because I'm young and healthy....judging how the pain has only gotten worse over these few weeks, I'm thinking not.
All of a sudden, I'm weeping. Everyday. For hours. The mourning and grieving of the life I lost prior to the accident FINALLY came out in a tangible way...I never knew tear ducts had the ability to go that long and that hard. But they do....and oh how my heart hurts! We're coming up on the year anniversary and I thought that long ago I had overcome this....(well there's first mistake, I never overcome anything...it's Jesus who said, "For I have overcome this world!). Then yet again, the thing that helped me through last time happened again- prayer circles from people I don't know around the community rising up to HEAL my body and mind! They've popped up from the most unexpected places and I can't thank all of you enough...and then- the kicker that really helped- my mentor, shout out to Beth Lineberger- said, "Remember, 'He remembers all your sorrows. He has collected all your tears in a bottle and has recorded them each' because he cherishes them! So girl, cry away!".....now THAT, is rest. Rest in the comfort of the Lord....REST.
I've yet to weep again...
Some would say I've got all reason to weep and grieve and mourn...I hurt! I spend my days slowly able to do less and less, all while having to be doped up to try and breathe normally. Maybe I do, I'm not sure....For some reason the Lord has chosen to extend this season in my life, not because I can handle it, but because He can. And for some reason, a good reason, there will be praise that is given to him for every spasm, tear, and yell. I go back and forth, hence the title. I can't exactly say that I'm quite yet "GLORY!!!"....that would be a lie. But I sit back and cry to the Great Comforter who may or may not reveal why this is going on....I will try to praise you in this storm, Lord. Thank you, Jesus I don't have to do it alone.
My other lesson I've learned is one I've needed for awhile now: more compassion for those hooked on narcotics and prescription medications. I've got family and friends who have ruined their lives and their loved ones lives because of addictions to such, and I've never felt sorrow for them. Hate comes to mind....Unforgiveness for the hurt they've caused me and my loved one...Inability to love them....ever. That's just truth people- judge me or not. I've felt it and I'm laying it out there...The Lord is giving me a taste of my own medicine. I've had to RELY on these very heavy drugs to get me through me day. And not just one or two....we're talking 8 or more every.single.day.- just to ease the pain. Not even to take it all away. I call the triage nurse at the hospital to say- I'm in pain! I need more and the tone of voice you get back is awful...they've already labeled you as drug seeking. But it's me! 24 year old perky nurse who would never do such a thing! But would I not? I need these meds (well, unless I want to lay around in complete misery...and misery might be an understatement). So did many of the people who abuse them now....started out with an injury and went from there. Now lives are ruined. I still have A LOT of wrestling to do with this subject, but I'm finally feeling this chipping away at my very long hardened heart towards these people....I'm starting to understand and I hope this carries way to love and forgiveness and an ability to move on in some sort of way.
I have not blogged in awhile and a great friend said I needed an outlet again since all my physical ones are gone...it was true. I do feel a healing being able to write this all down and have heard from several of you that you get something from my blogs...so I hope not only to allow myself healing but to open hearts of others. Pray for me as I see an orthopedic surgeon this morning for a second opinion...can never have too many opinions when it's your livelihood we're talking about. We'll go from there, but until then, Lord- I'm hearing you whisper through the wind, "I'm with you" and I will praise You in this storm.
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