When you ask for opinions...

I wrote my last blog literally 3 hours before I had an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon for a second opinion on my injury. My how things have changed....It almost felt wrong to post the last, but it was my truth for that moment and my reality.

This surgeon...man- he's good. Those shoes he was wearing...I could have probably bought a new car for what he bought those custom slippers for. I guess that's what happens when you're an orthopedic surgeon. Anyway- I go to Comp Rehab nervous but the staff was fantastic and wonderful. I wish the warm welcome I had from them was the same as my last hospital stay! When the doc came in, he literally gave me the most thorough assessment I've had my entire injury course...Every part of my body was assessed and I felt like my entire neurological system had been completely and thoughtfully looked over. It's not that my other docs never assessed me, but I didn't realize how UNthorough their assessments had been until this man. He addresses my pain, which is really nice to have someone say, "YES! You do hurt! There is a reason!".... sometimes it's nice just to not feel like you're crazy. He looked at my films and here was the frustrating part: he said my vertebra looked normal. The angle was fine. He said he calculated 9 where as my other neurosurgeon calculated 26 (near surgery). Ummmmmmm....yeah. Who knows.

BUT- the most important part....a little history: Travis and I sat in the hospital room asking for physical therapy after discharge. We were told, "Nah! She's young and healthy! She doesn't need it!"...I ask two more times at follow-up appointments (even ones where my pain was unbearable when it shouldn't have been) and we were told by neurosurgeons that I didn't need it. Well, well, well- sometimes the patient does know best. This doctor confirmed that I should have been in aggressive PT AS SOON as that brace came off because of the severe atrophy that my core muscles had...DUH! He explained that it wasn't just my fracture (and apparently some disc slippage and compression we were not told about prior) that was affected during my fall. He said it takes a GRAND force to get the injury I did and the way it happened was by having that force move through my entire spine and L1 was the one that ended up "broken"....but ALL discs and vertebrae were involved. All were injured and weakened even if nothing shows up on X-ray. Especially because I have pain that is all over my lower back, it's not JUST at my fracture sight, thus- a fusion at that sight might not work. It might not "fix" what's truly causing the pain.

He said my best bet was to strengthen my core...and by his definition- it's more than hitting the gym with planks. He said that even while I was back to working out and feeling fit, my core was still not strong enough to support my very sensitive spine. Long over are the days of being able to do anything without any worries...I must be strong enough and I'm just not. So he advised 6 weeks of aggressive PT for 3 times a week prior to ANY activity....no work, no riding, no running, no nothing. Nothing strenuous until I meet his definition of having a strong core to support my spine and THEN, if we're still having problems, we'll talk other methods.

All of this makes PERFECT sense. I mean- could I have even asked for a better outcome or opinion? Yet I still feel heavy in my heart...partially because this could have been prevented had I had the necessary physical therapy directly out of my brace equalling less time out of work. That's very frustrating for me...I'm back to "not being active" even though I know this PT will probably kick my butt and leave me screaming. But it hurts- it hurts to not ride my horse. It hurts to know I'm leaving my unit during a staffing crunch for something that could and SHOULD have been prevented. It hurts physically. It hearts my heart that we're 2 days away from the one year anniversary....

So yes- I got great news which means no surgery for the time being. But please still be sensitive to the fact that my heart hurts...there is a lot of stress that goes with having your husband in school and then you're all of a sudden making less than half of what you were on disability. That hurts to know that disability will have to extend for who knows how long! There is a lot of stress because I miss my outlets...my running, my exercise, oh- my lovely horse! I was really looking forward to possibly showing some lower level dressage tests this spring and that goal is now gone...that hurts. I can barely groom him without spasms; I feel so bad half the time that I can't make it out to the barn, and even then someone has to take me because of the drugs I'm on! I MISS HIM! He's in the best care I could have ever dreamt of and I'm thankful for that, but it's a girl and her horse....this hurts. It hurts to know that this mess is STILL consuming my life. How many times can your life get turned upside down and keep it together? I dare you to try.

Just as this orthopedic surgeon had his opinion, you all have yours. I heard them. Everything from, "Just suck it up and get through it", "It's okay to feel sad! You have every right!", "Don't think about that", "You're going to be okay so what's the big deal?".... The big deal is that this is my life and I have many feelings floating around my heart. I am sad as explained above. I am hopeful because we now have a plan for my treatment. I am glad that I do not have to have surgery. They are all real and they are all valid simply because I feel them. They are mine and I ask for respect that if you disagree about the this thing that has hold on my life right now, you keep it to yourself. You'd appreciate the same if you were to break your back.

So I guess that's my update. Nothing profound. Just an update for anyone who possibly may be listening...maybe no one. And that would be fine. It's nice to get it out. But if you are listening, I could use a hug right about now and I hope that I don't have to get a second opinion on that too.