From one scarred hand to the other...

Do you ever have those moments when you're driving down the road or doing something incredibly monotonous when God sucker-punches you in the face? No? Oh...well I do and it happens quite often. Usually while driving in my car and so I'm pretty sure that God loves my '94 Corolla as much as I do.

Anywho- I can't count the number of times I've heard the Casting Crowns song "East to West". A BAJILLION MILLION THOUSAND! If I wanted to be completely frank, I even stopped really listening to the words because I was ready for something I hadn't heard before...Boy- I had that one backwards. So I'm driving back from the barn this afternoon and this song comes on and I was blown away by the chorus today...a chorus that I've heard many times and could recite in my sleep. But today was different...

"Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west?

'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been rising up in me again.

In the arms of Your mercy I find rest.

'Cause You know just how far the east is from the west,

from one scarred hand to the other..."

A little background for those who may not know- this chorus is referring to Psalm 103:12 where it is said that "As far as the east is from the west, so far as He has removed our transgressions from us." I'm pretty open about my struggles and many of you know that I see a counselor regularly to help talk about some of my issues. I'm honest about it and proud! I can't navigate this life on my own and am not ashamed that I need help in how to do it...Anywho- We were talking about this verse in one of my sessions a few weeks ago. We paired it with Micah 7:19- "You will once again have compassion towards us! You will trample our sins under Your feet and throw them into the depths of the deepest ocean!" I have to openly admit that while discussing these passages, I got pretty anxious. My mind simply could not wrap itself around the grandeur of "east from the west" and "depths of the deepest ocean"...HOLY SMOKES! Instead of comforting me, it made me very uncomfortable; almost like I couldn't imagine my mistakes and mess-ups being so far removed from me, so I wasn't going to accept these verses.

Now- many of you might start to get hoity-toity right now and look down on me because of my reaction to the Word. Well- bite me. I'm far from perfect and wrestling with God's truths is nothing to be ashamed of. It makes me appreciate those things ten times more when I do freely accept them. So pbthhhhhh....that's all I have to say about that.

Up until today, I've continued to be a little bewildered (okay- A LOT) by the enormity of what these verses imply. How could God just totally not bring up my past wrong-doings? I can't forget them! How could He?!? My therapist gave me a great little picture relating to the verse in Micah; The Lord says that He casts our sins into the deepest ocean, but He also puts up a sign that says "No fishing". Dang. That's what I do day in and day out...I fish for things that God has already thrown out to sea. No Fishing. Wow. Quite frankly, fishing keeps me away from truly experiencing the love of God in the way He has intended it for us.

Another background story...there's this cute home video of Travis when he's really little and his mom says, "How much do you love me?" and he gets on his tip-toes, stretches his arms out as far as he possibly can and goes "BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG much!". That video shapes the way Travis and I express love towards each other. We often will simply say "big much" because we understand how big that really is, or we'll stretch our arms out wide knowing that the other person 'gets it'.

So again- I'm driving down the road and I hear "Jesus, can you show me just how far the east is from the west?"...I secretly plead, "YES LORD! Show me! I sure as heck would love to know so I can SOMEHOW grasp my mind around what you say! So I can somehow believe Your word! So I can just REST!"...and then the line comes where he sings, "From one scarred hand to the other"...

just as you are picturing Jesus dying on the cross right now (go ahead and do it if you're not), I saw that vision come before me. A battered, bloody, weary Jesus nailed upon a wooden cross. I heard very simply, "I love you big much". Just as a little 4-year old Travis stretched his arms out wide, so did Jesus when He died for me...He was saying "big much"...In that moment- I got it. I get it. It's not something I can really explain, but now I really feel how much God loves me and that type of love doesn't care about what you've done or will do. It's just LOVE. A big much kind of love. A 'no fishing' kind of love. A love that I, now, comprehend...

Can I get an Amen?