From one scarred hand to the other...

Do you ever have those moments when you're driving down the road or doing something incredibly monotonous when God sucker-punches you in the face? No? Oh...well I do and it happens quite often. Usually while driving in my car and so I'm pretty sure that God loves my '94 Corolla as much as I do.

Anywho- I can't count the number of times I've heard the Casting Crowns song "East to West". A BAJILLION MILLION THOUSAND! If I wanted to be completely frank, I even stopped really listening to the words because I was ready for something I hadn't heard before...Boy- I had that one backwards. So I'm driving back from the barn this afternoon and this song comes on and I was blown away by the chorus today...a chorus that I've heard many times and could recite in my sleep. But today was different...

"Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west?

'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been rising up in me again.

In the arms of Your mercy I find rest.

'Cause You know just how far the east is from the west,

from one scarred hand to the other..."

A little background for those who may not know- this chorus is referring to Psalm 103:12 where it is said that "As far as the east is from the west, so far as He has removed our transgressions from us." I'm pretty open about my struggles and many of you know that I see a counselor regularly to help talk about some of my issues. I'm honest about it and proud! I can't navigate this life on my own and am not ashamed that I need help in how to do it...Anywho- We were talking about this verse in one of my sessions a few weeks ago. We paired it with Micah 7:19- "You will once again have compassion towards us! You will trample our sins under Your feet and throw them into the depths of the deepest ocean!" I have to openly admit that while discussing these passages, I got pretty anxious. My mind simply could not wrap itself around the grandeur of "east from the west" and "depths of the deepest ocean"...HOLY SMOKES! Instead of comforting me, it made me very uncomfortable; almost like I couldn't imagine my mistakes and mess-ups being so far removed from me, so I wasn't going to accept these verses.

Now- many of you might start to get hoity-toity right now and look down on me because of my reaction to the Word. Well- bite me. I'm far from perfect and wrestling with God's truths is nothing to be ashamed of. It makes me appreciate those things ten times more when I do freely accept them. So pbthhhhhh....that's all I have to say about that.

Up until today, I've continued to be a little bewildered (okay- A LOT) by the enormity of what these verses imply. How could God just totally not bring up my past wrong-doings? I can't forget them! How could He?!? My therapist gave me a great little picture relating to the verse in Micah; The Lord says that He casts our sins into the deepest ocean, but He also puts up a sign that says "No fishing". Dang. That's what I do day in and day out...I fish for things that God has already thrown out to sea. No Fishing. Wow. Quite frankly, fishing keeps me away from truly experiencing the love of God in the way He has intended it for us.

Another background story...there's this cute home video of Travis when he's really little and his mom says, "How much do you love me?" and he gets on his tip-toes, stretches his arms out as far as he possibly can and goes "BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG much!". That video shapes the way Travis and I express love towards each other. We often will simply say "big much" because we understand how big that really is, or we'll stretch our arms out wide knowing that the other person 'gets it'.

So again- I'm driving down the road and I hear "Jesus, can you show me just how far the east is from the west?"...I secretly plead, "YES LORD! Show me! I sure as heck would love to know so I can SOMEHOW grasp my mind around what you say! So I can somehow believe Your word! So I can just REST!"...and then the line comes where he sings, "From one scarred hand to the other"...

just as you are picturing Jesus dying on the cross right now (go ahead and do it if you're not), I saw that vision come before me. A battered, bloody, weary Jesus nailed upon a wooden cross. I heard very simply, "I love you big much". Just as a little 4-year old Travis stretched his arms out wide, so did Jesus when He died for me...He was saying "big much"...In that moment- I got it. I get it. It's not something I can really explain, but now I really feel how much God loves me and that type of love doesn't care about what you've done or will do. It's just LOVE. A big much kind of love. A 'no fishing' kind of love. A love that I, now, comprehend...

Can I get an Amen?

How Are You?

First, let me just say this- I cannot for the life of me figure out how to center the picture on the top of this page. Much less have a super cute background and fun buttons, clips, and such. A blogger expert, I am not...obvi. If anyone wants to come give me a tutorial, I'll make you a margarita because Google and the FAQ's just confuse me and drive me to drink.

I remember being in college and contemplating the subject I'm about to write about. When I was trying to take a nap today, it popped back up in my head and I felt like emptying my chest of it.

How many times per day do you have this interlude with others...

"Hi! How are you?!"

"Fine and you?"

"Doing okay!"

You can substitute "fine" with good, alright, and many other generic adjectives that we use to make this intro go by faster and get to the core of whatever we may be doing. I probably go through this mundane routine 1460845 bazillion times in the course of a 24 hour period and the answer is always the same, "fine". Let's get real- rarely are we ever just fine. Or at least I'm not. I could be a number of emotions ranging from devastated to elated, but who has the time to listen? Who really wants to know? Why do we ask this question if we're not prepared to give or receive the true answer?

Behind every face you exchange this dialogue with is a story that you're not aware of. There is hurt, there is trial, there is pain, there is joy, there is sadness, there is struggle. Life is multifaceted which is what makes it so beautiful, but it's also what makes it so complicated and sometimes quite difficult to navigate. I know for me, there probably has not been a single time in the past 6 months that I've just been "fine"...that word simply does not come close to the wide array of extreme feelings that I've felt. But who would know? We all wear masks of some sort to hide the messes in our lives...I'm guilty! I'll admit it! Wouldn't it be nice to not have that barrier? To be an open book and not feel burdensome when someone asks that introductory question and you could be honest? I think we live in a society where we are so self-absorbed that we don't want others to see our mess and we don't want to make time for other people's messes. Now this is a very generalized statement and I'm not saying that there aren't exceptions, but for the most part, our actions scream this very thing! How sad...this is not the person I want to be, nor the person that God has called me to be. I desperately want to have a servant's heart and this seemingly little conversation is a huge symptom of where my heart truly is. Shabam! God sucker punch to the face...

I'm going to try and do 2 things.

1) From now on, whenever I ask "How are you" I'm going to make sure I have the time to hear that person out. I'm going to dig deeper and push the envelope of "fine"...I desperately want to be a person of comfort and encouragement for others, but I cannot do that if I don't open my ears to listen.

2) I'm not going to use the word fine. I want to be transparent...I want to be honest...I want to be true. When you ask me how I'm doing, be prepared for the real deal. No more hiding. How can I expect others to be honest with me if I'm not doing the same?

So to end, "How am I doing this evening?"- I'm feeling very humbled by the goodness and the very spirit of Christ that exudes from every fiber of Travis. I'm so blessed to have a husband that is not only loving, caring, and devilishly handsome- but truly lays down his life for me. He makes it a JOY, and an HONOR, and PRIVILEGE to submit to his leadership in our home. Yes- I fight it sometimes out of my own selfishness, but at the end of it all, his heart is never something I have to question. Travis- I want you to know how much I respect you as a man, husband, and warrior for the Lord! I'm proud to call myself your wife!

Ch-ch-ch-changes

I've fallen onto the blogging bandwagon. I'm not quite sure if it's a good thing or not. Part of me simply wants an outlet with a cute background (which I haven't quite figured out how to make aesthetically pleasing). The other part of me figures, "I like reading other people's blogs. Maybe someone will read mine too!" Either way, and for better or worse, here I am.

I'm in the process of figuring out my life...again. I feel like I've done this a million times in the past year and a half. First, I married my Travis. It was the best thing I've ever done, but to say that it's a life change is an understatement. I could no longer identify myself as a selfish only child, but now a wife who was to lay down her life for her husband. Enough to give anyone a migraine and hemorrhoids at the same time. I'm not sure I've quite got this one mastered...

Then, on March 4th- my life changed drastically again. I fell off my horse during a trail ride and broke my back. I was in the hospital for a week, on bed rest for a month, using a walker for over a month, in a hard brace for three months, and out of work for over six months. Each one of those periods left me grasping for a sense of normalcy so I sort of reinvented myself every time. For example- a month is a long time to lay in bed and not be able to do anything for yourself. I went through a period of grief as I said goodbye to life as an independent PICU nurse and hello to being bedridden...having my husband bathe me and feed me became my new normal and eventually, after a period of depression, that became 'okay' with me. I slowly regained strength and learned to walk again, take care of myself, and such. But still, my normal was now within the confines of a brace, with activity restrictions to keep me safe and unharmed. I remember when my neurosurgeon told me I no longer needed to wear my brace. I cried for days...What was my new normal going to look like? I had just gotten used to my life as "the girl with the turtle shell" and had accepted it. Now I have to change?! AND you took away the thing that was supposed to keep me safe?!

I did get over it. I reinvented myself again. Now I subconsciously built myself a mental and emotional brace that I could wear to feel safe. I had activity restrictions that kept me from being able to work, ride, exercise, etc...but I had learned to deal with those. I had learned to be okay with them and accept them. This was me now.

Yesterday, everything changed again. I had my 6 month follow-up X-rays and received the news that everyone had waited for...all of my restrictions had been lifted. The outpouring of love and excitement from my friends and family was overwhelming...everyone was so excited! I have to admit to all of you; I am not. I feel like all of the braces I've built for myself have now been taken away and I'm being asked to return to my life the way it was "pre-accident". Newsflash- I will never be the way I was before the fall. Not physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. I know that there are certain things that must return back to "normal", such as going back to work and regaining an active lifestyle. But everything I know and have learned in the past 6 months is changing...I simply don't do well with change. I cried when my parents got a new dishwasher, so taking my entire life and turning it upside down for the millionth time isn't easy. I'm not quite sure what it's going to look like as I muddle through all the things that are now reopened to me. I'm pretty sure it's going to be messy and scary more than fun and exciting. In fact, I'm terrified of returning to work. Paralyzed with fear about the thought of riding again. Scared to death of what lies around the corner...I'm mortal now, or at least I realize it. So if I'm more timid and nervous than the Liz you once knew- please understand, I'm not quite sure who this Liz is going to be yet....I'll be sure to let you know when I figure it out.