Woah Nelly!

Two evenings ago, when I pressed that publish button, I never expected the reaction that I received from my "Disease of Perfection" blog. In fact, the almost immediate comments, filling of my inbox, emails, and text messages took me by surprise….okay-lie- they kind of freaked me out a bit. I cried. I kicked. I wondered why the hell I ever did this. I refused to look at them throughout the day. I never, in a million years, would have thought that THAT many people would care what I had to say…

After I hurt my back, I got hundreds of "We love you, Liz!" comments and likewise for this post. That's not what brought me to my knees….but it was the vast multitudes of "I have the same feelings and have never had the guts to reveal them". "I've been in your shoes, but I've battled it alone". "I, too, can't seem to be perfect enough". "We are so alike in what we've been through and never even knew it"…..I have received close to one hundred responses, many of which are also girls that cry out with similar or the same issues that were brought out in the open the other day. (PS: I will personally get back to all of you soon! There are a lot of messages so it'll take me awhile…)

Let's forget about the whole, "You are so brave, courageous, bladdy bladdy blah" stuff. Was it courageous to press the publish button…No. I felt it put on my heart by God so I had a peace about it. But was it anxiety provoking when my iPhone acted like it was having seizures because of the responses? Uh- YEAH! Not that I really thought that someone would be like- "You anorexic whore that's still not thin enough! Idiot!"…ha- I just realized, "Oh crap…..I did this. People know. And I can't turn back."

That's the point. John 1:4-5 'What came into existence was Life, and the Life was LIGHT to live by. The Light blazed out the darkness; the darkness couldn't put it out." This verse was my heart when writing the last blog. The eating disorders, anxiety, and mess was the darkness that had been hidden away for so long…eating (no pun intended, even though it is kind of funny in a dark sense of humor) away at ever fiber of my being all while staying "secret". By bringing it OUT, out into the LIGHT, it can no longer retreat back into the dark. I might now start living the life intended for me because my demons are out of their comfort zone and into the Lord's light. God's light penetrates everything around it (For He IS the Light) and I'm so excited to bask in it in a more full way than ever before.

I also believe that the many girls who came to me with similar lives is a testament to how serious this Disease of Perfection is. It effects your daughter, mother, sister, boss, heck- even men in our lives feel immense pressure to be the perfect provider, man, lover, etc. So why are we keeping this quiet, and by doing so, giving it power?! I want, more than anything, to show that this is something WORTH talking about!

1 in 4 college-aged women engage in binging and purging (bulimia).

Over one HALF of girls and one THIRD of men resort to unhealthy weight control behaviors such as fasting, purging, vomiting, taxing laxatives, etc.

Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.

http://www.anad.org/get-information/about-eating-disorders/eating-disorders-statistics/

Now, do you think that's something worth talking about? Facts are- you either are or know someone who suffers from this disease (hellooooo- you are reading my blog). And this doesn't even delve into other symptoms of perfectionism such as anxiety disorder, panic disorder, depression, and OCD.

I'm here, taking a stand and saying "It's okay to talk about". The darkness will not control us any longer than we let it. Screw the stigma….I dare you to find one person in the world who doesn't have baggage they'd prefer to keep secret. So cast the first stone, hun. I'm a raggedy mess who doesn't have to climb out entirely on my own thanks to the grace of God (whole other blog post…or two…or eight).

Disease of Perfection

I've been wanting to write about this topic for awhile now, but have been unsure exactly how to put it into words. How do you verbalize something that penetrates your very being every moment of every day of every year since you can remember? How do you speak out about something with such a potent stigma, something so many will judge you for, look down upon you for, and even perpetuate the very thing that is destroying you internally. I don't really know…I don't really know a lot of things as this blog has made very clear, but I want to be clear and free from one thing- the disease of perfectionism.

I don't remember when my obsession with being perfect started. I remember going to the pool in middle school with a friend and realizing that she was in a cute little bikini and when I tried on one of her extras, I looked nothing like her. I remember being on instant messenger in middle school when an anonymous screen name bullied me, calling me fat and ugly with the blunt bangs that I had for as long as I remember. I guess it was middle school when I realized that people are different and the world isn't nice...if I wanted to survive, I needed to try harder. Of course, this perpetuated when I lost weight my sophomore year of high school and started receiving positive attention. Was that ever enough? Of course not....I had to be the best to avoid negative consequences. Best at the things I cared about- band, guard, appearances, grades, etc...Setting myself high expectations that could never be achieved. Setting myself up to fail. And there the cycle continues. I always strive to please the people I look up to. Pleasing others....what a fruitless effort. Of course- this thought process brought many accolades, awards, and positive attention that would make any parent gloat with pride. But inside- where was I? Inside that perky exterior was (and still is) someone screaming to just be "okay" with not being "perfect"....

Don't give me the lecture of "Jesus was the only one that was perfect and he died for you not being perfect and yada yada yada yada.....". That's nice and dandy and one that I, and many others, struggle to still whole heartedly surrender to. I'm just being honest about it. In fact, I've been burned by a Christian and 'leader' in a former home church that criticized me for not being able to totally give myself up to that. There's a lot of work to be done there.....I know that.

I don't know how far I want to delve into my symptoms of this disease. I call it a disease because it's something that I can't break on my own...It's something that will destroy my life if I continue down this road. I wonder if not diving into what I struggle with simply reflects my fear of what other people think....isn't that what I do while giving into perfectionism? Worrying about disappointing others? And if I don't go there- what worldly impact could this post ever make? What if there's someone out there who is just like me and thinks, "Wow- she has it all together" when the opposite is oh-so-true and I just hide it well.

I guess we'll go there- let the repercussions come as they may.

-I'm about to be a 25 year old who has spent 13 years of her life over a toilet, tupperware bowl, anything to get out the food that I just ingested because of the massive guilt it caused me.

-I am what the world would consider a beautiful girl and yet, all I can see is the "man face" that I was called over AOL instant messenger.

-I pretend I love food, but in fact- I dread meals and believe I'll never be thin enough.

-I was the child who was terrified to tell my parents things because I was scared I'd disappoint them.

-I was the new graduate nurse who was more scared of disappointing my preceptors and mentors than making some other type of mistake.

-I am a newlywed to the most handsome, loving husband in the world, yet can't love him properly because of a traumatic experience that happened to me with a former boyfriend.

-I am the girl who cried herself to sleep all through high school (in the midst of being president of our girl's club, a soloist in both band, symphony, and guard, national honor society, etc) and wished that life would just slip away from me.

-I have had panic attacks since high school that kept me from reaching my full potential in band and guard. Those same attacks plague me still.

-I'm lonely...oh-so-very lonely emotionally. It's not like people share this dirty laundry and I have someone who I can relate to.

-I am on anti-anxiety medication to keep me from hyperventilating during panic attacks that can last hours every single day. I disguise them as allergies or asthma.

-I am on an an anti-depressant medication and the only thing I can think about is how I hope it doesn't make me gain weight.

-I would be considered clinically depressed, having bulimia nervosa, anorexia nervosa, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety disorder.

-There's a part of me that doesn't want to get better (I told you I was going there....)

There she blows. Many of things not even those closest to me know, so I have a feel that there will be a lot of "LUUUUUUCY! YOU HAVE SOME 'SPLAININ TO DO!!!!" But, There I am- the ugly and dirty parts that people, especially Christians, try to hide with all their might. The parts that I HAVE HID for the majority of my life. I'm done hiding...I'm TIRED. I'm EXHAUSTED of hiding. I'm tired of LYING...isn't that what it is??

All of these things are kept 'mum' in Christian circles (or at least the unfortunate ones I've been in). I, for one, am pretty darned glad that Jesus hung out with prostitutes, tax collectors, lepers and the scums of society...if that's what all those things make me, then I guess I'll be the one washing His feet while those who keep quiet are in the kitchen. That's a pretty good deal it seems.

I don't need tons of comments with "self help" advice nor do I need pity. Lord- doesn't it seem like I have enough pity in my life as it is? I'm just trying to be honest and open and translucent. No one's life is as it seems from the outside. I've lost friends over this and I'm prepared to lose more. But my real ones- well they are treasures worth far more than gold. They know that really- I'm not that different than many other people out there and if we could all just love, and accept, and be kinder in our every day meetings- then maybe there wouldn't be the need to try and die to be perfect. All of us who are like me dream of the freedom that contentment would feel like…to me it seems like it would be like sea-mist spraying on my face. Flying perhaps? Maybe even galloping through a field with reckless abandon. I hope that one day this not-so-secret-anymore will be a stepping stone to something great…until then- I humble myself before the Lord and you all. And that's about all the strength I can muster and for once, I'm content with that being enough….

Step One: Admitting The Problem

ONE YEAR...holy guacamole!

I've thought a lot about this date for months...knowing it was coming closer. I've cried about it (and everything else under the moon) for weeks dreading it. I thought I would be a mess, but I have only one word to say...

HALLELUJAH!

Wow! I'm so happy today...this time one year ago, I had already fallen. I was probably receiving the news from an ED doc that my riding career was over. In my mind, one year ago, my life was over. Now, with hindsight being 20/20, I'm so thankful for that painful day.

I've worried. Oh, how I've fretted and struggled! It's been hard, but the Lord does not promise life to be easy. His Word says "THERE WILL BE TRIBULATION AND TRIALS!", in other versions it translates, "You will have many trials and sorrows!" John 16:33. That means that this accident was never any surprise to our Lord...it didn't just pop up on Him and take His breath away. He knew it would happen and He tells us that life isn't going to be candy and popcorn....we WILL struggle and that I have. Read my other blogs if you want to go into that, but today, I celebrate.

I celebrate the other part of this verse: "I have told you these things so you may have PEACE (rest!); in this life you WILL have trials and tribulation, but be courageous (take heart...cheer up...have confidence) for I have OVERCOME the world!" John 16:33....My old band director wrote this in my year book one year and it's been my favorite verse ever since simply because it is so true...The Lord is true to His promises because He is victorious. He rules this world and is in the midst of even the worst of struggles. He promises in Romans 8:28 to "work all things for the good of those who love Him." Oh Lord, Oh Lord, you have not forsaken me....

My life-physically and sometimes emotionally painful as it may be and has been- is better off for that fateful day of March 4, 2011 and every day afterwards. My marriage is 20 times what it would have been and I'm sure of that- My husband went through this with me every step of the way and I'm certain is the most patient man on the face of the earth...the RESPECT and love I have for him now has no words. It has been a DIFFICULT year and half of marriage (even without the broken back!) and I've had many seasoned married couples say that most wouldn't have made it...I don't have the longevity to know if that's true or not, but one thing I do know is that I have the most amazing best friend. husband. protector. in the world and he was crafted especially for me.

My relationship with the Lord is stronger than it was prior...Swayze has his rightful place in the family (BEHIND my husband)....I'm more appreciate of the love my amazing parents have for me...I'm aware of MANY my flaws and self esteem issues and have sought the proper help to navigate them...I have found out who my true friends are and are NOT...I could go on and on...

Swayze is in a much better place too...I had many people tell me to sell him or ask why I didn't put him down. It was never an option. Not only is he in a much better place physically, but we could not ask for a better barn and barn family to have supported us during this time. We were introduced to the wonderful world of groundwork and I now don't know how people can stand their horses without doing it! Ha! He is a pleasure (most times) and I attribute that to the groundwork that Scarlett introduced me to when I was still in my brace (She must have known I needed it physically and emotionally as much as Swayze did!)...it was probably something I would have looked over had I had the ability to ride. It was something I could physically do with Swayze in my own fragile physical state and wow- I have a different horse and my relationship with him is something that I can't explain...Beryl Markham says it best, "A lovely horse is always an experience. It is an emotional experience of the kind that is spoiled by words."

I'm so thankful for, not only my physical safety of what "could have been", but for what this past year has given me. There are many to thank for that....my Travo, my amazing parents, Scarlett and Bruce Mullin (the entire HMF family- Sally, Katie, Linds x 2, Kara, Tanja, Ashley, Jan, Josh!), Alex Tripken, Alexis Gragg, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY COWORKERS! (could not have done this without my PICU support system!), Alma Watson, Kathy and Mike Sink, Cynthia and James Fussell, The Lineberger family, many friends and family who prayed for my consistently...none of this would have been possible if it wasn't for all of you, and more than I'm sure my meds are making me skip my mind!

I love you all and CHEERS to a year that I consider a blessing and success.

When you ask for opinions...

I wrote my last blog literally 3 hours before I had an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon for a second opinion on my injury. My how things have changed....It almost felt wrong to post the last, but it was my truth for that moment and my reality.

This surgeon...man- he's good. Those shoes he was wearing...I could have probably bought a new car for what he bought those custom slippers for. I guess that's what happens when you're an orthopedic surgeon. Anyway- I go to Comp Rehab nervous but the staff was fantastic and wonderful. I wish the warm welcome I had from them was the same as my last hospital stay! When the doc came in, he literally gave me the most thorough assessment I've had my entire injury course...Every part of my body was assessed and I felt like my entire neurological system had been completely and thoughtfully looked over. It's not that my other docs never assessed me, but I didn't realize how UNthorough their assessments had been until this man. He addresses my pain, which is really nice to have someone say, "YES! You do hurt! There is a reason!".... sometimes it's nice just to not feel like you're crazy. He looked at my films and here was the frustrating part: he said my vertebra looked normal. The angle was fine. He said he calculated 9 where as my other neurosurgeon calculated 26 (near surgery). Ummmmmmm....yeah. Who knows.

BUT- the most important part....a little history: Travis and I sat in the hospital room asking for physical therapy after discharge. We were told, "Nah! She's young and healthy! She doesn't need it!"...I ask two more times at follow-up appointments (even ones where my pain was unbearable when it shouldn't have been) and we were told by neurosurgeons that I didn't need it. Well, well, well- sometimes the patient does know best. This doctor confirmed that I should have been in aggressive PT AS SOON as that brace came off because of the severe atrophy that my core muscles had...DUH! He explained that it wasn't just my fracture (and apparently some disc slippage and compression we were not told about prior) that was affected during my fall. He said it takes a GRAND force to get the injury I did and the way it happened was by having that force move through my entire spine and L1 was the one that ended up "broken"....but ALL discs and vertebrae were involved. All were injured and weakened even if nothing shows up on X-ray. Especially because I have pain that is all over my lower back, it's not JUST at my fracture sight, thus- a fusion at that sight might not work. It might not "fix" what's truly causing the pain.

He said my best bet was to strengthen my core...and by his definition- it's more than hitting the gym with planks. He said that even while I was back to working out and feeling fit, my core was still not strong enough to support my very sensitive spine. Long over are the days of being able to do anything without any worries...I must be strong enough and I'm just not. So he advised 6 weeks of aggressive PT for 3 times a week prior to ANY activity....no work, no riding, no running, no nothing. Nothing strenuous until I meet his definition of having a strong core to support my spine and THEN, if we're still having problems, we'll talk other methods.

All of this makes PERFECT sense. I mean- could I have even asked for a better outcome or opinion? Yet I still feel heavy in my heart...partially because this could have been prevented had I had the necessary physical therapy directly out of my brace equalling less time out of work. That's very frustrating for me...I'm back to "not being active" even though I know this PT will probably kick my butt and leave me screaming. But it hurts- it hurts to not ride my horse. It hurts to know I'm leaving my unit during a staffing crunch for something that could and SHOULD have been prevented. It hurts physically. It hearts my heart that we're 2 days away from the one year anniversary....

So yes- I got great news which means no surgery for the time being. But please still be sensitive to the fact that my heart hurts...there is a lot of stress that goes with having your husband in school and then you're all of a sudden making less than half of what you were on disability. That hurts to know that disability will have to extend for who knows how long! There is a lot of stress because I miss my outlets...my running, my exercise, oh- my lovely horse! I was really looking forward to possibly showing some lower level dressage tests this spring and that goal is now gone...that hurts. I can barely groom him without spasms; I feel so bad half the time that I can't make it out to the barn, and even then someone has to take me because of the drugs I'm on! I MISS HIM! He's in the best care I could have ever dreamt of and I'm thankful for that, but it's a girl and her horse....this hurts. It hurts to know that this mess is STILL consuming my life. How many times can your life get turned upside down and keep it together? I dare you to try.

Just as this orthopedic surgeon had his opinion, you all have yours. I heard them. Everything from, "Just suck it up and get through it", "It's okay to feel sad! You have every right!", "Don't think about that", "You're going to be okay so what's the big deal?".... The big deal is that this is my life and I have many feelings floating around my heart. I am sad as explained above. I am hopeful because we now have a plan for my treatment. I am glad that I do not have to have surgery. They are all real and they are all valid simply because I feel them. They are mine and I ask for respect that if you disagree about the this thing that has hold on my life right now, you keep it to yourself. You'd appreciate the same if you were to break your back.

So I guess that's my update. Nothing profound. Just an update for anyone who possibly may be listening...maybe no one. And that would be fine. It's nice to get it out. But if you are listening, I could use a hug right about now and I hope that I don't have to get a second opinion on that too.

I will TRY to Praise You in this Storm

5:32 am- I've been up for awhile now. Granted, it's later than when I wake up for work, but still. I've been trying to roll left to right (keyword try), make myself comfortable. Then the sharp shooting pain goes up my left side of my back over the constant ache that no one knows truly how terrible it feels. I cry. I cry a lot before I finally tell Travis (or my Mom/Dad- they've been helping out too) that I need to take my pretty hefty dose of narcotics. "Rest"....

We all know the story- girl fell off horse. Girl broke her back. Long road to recovery somehow gracefully and tadaaaaa- in 6 months she's back and work, and 7 months she's riding and jogging again. It was truly the biggest challenge of my life but one that for some reason, I was never phased by. The glass was always half full. The Glory and Truth of the Gospel, I suppose....at least I'd like to think. This time, well, it's different....

It started over the holidays...just a dull ache when I woke up. Maybe after a hard shift at work. It progressed until at the beginning of February I couldn't even walk out to my car after work....how embarrassing to have security wheel you out in a wheelchair. But it was oh-so-necessary. After accosting one of our neurosurgeons (Team Alex shout out) in the hallway at work, I was suddenly in x-rays again and sitting in an office. Wow...de ja vu, eh? Basically, in very stupid-people terms because even for me it's hard to understand: There is an angle (Angle of Cobb) of your vertebra that measures kyphosis- or deformation. It's the angle they use to measure scoliosis and all that fab stuff. Anyway, normal people it's 10 degrees. At the time of my accident, it had only deformed to 14...not shabby. It was the compression of my vertebra that was so unstable then. Well then comes the month bed rest, 4 months in turtle shell and 6 months light activity and WHOOOPIE- Angle down to 7. Ha- not the end of the story folks....somehow, over my period of starting to find my "normal" (refer to former posts), my angle is now at 26...My neurosurgeon says he does spinal fusions at 30. For a visual, if you crush a coke can, you may be able to try and pull it back out to its original height, but the insides are never the same. They are brittle, break and splinter. My vertebra is basically crumbling and breaking....

Yeah- take a breather for that one. I needed tequila or something of the sort. Anywho, I was assigned no work and light activity and rest for 5 weeks until follow up X-rays. My doc believes that maybe rest will allow the vertebra to heal and we can escape a fusion because I'm young and healthy....judging how the pain has only gotten worse over these few weeks, I'm thinking not.

All of a sudden, I'm weeping. Everyday. For hours. The mourning and grieving of the life I lost prior to the accident FINALLY came out in a tangible way...I never knew tear ducts had the ability to go that long and that hard. But they do....and oh how my heart hurts! We're coming up on the year anniversary and I thought that long ago I had overcome this....(well there's first mistake, I never overcome anything...it's Jesus who said, "For I have overcome this world!). Then yet again, the thing that helped me through last time happened again- prayer circles from people I don't know around the community rising up to HEAL my body and mind! They've popped up from the most unexpected places and I can't thank all of you enough...and then- the kicker that really helped- my mentor, shout out to Beth Lineberger- said, "Remember, 'He remembers all your sorrows. He has collected all your tears in a bottle and has recorded them each' because he cherishes them! So girl, cry away!".....now THAT, is rest. Rest in the comfort of the Lord....REST.

I've yet to weep again...

Some would say I've got all reason to weep and grieve and mourn...I hurt! I spend my days slowly able to do less and less, all while having to be doped up to try and breathe normally. Maybe I do, I'm not sure....For some reason the Lord has chosen to extend this season in my life, not because I can handle it, but because He can. And for some reason, a good reason, there will be praise that is given to him for every spasm, tear, and yell. I go back and forth, hence the title. I can't exactly say that I'm quite yet "GLORY!!!"....that would be a lie. But I sit back and cry to the Great Comforter who may or may not reveal why this is going on....I will try to praise you in this storm, Lord. Thank you, Jesus I don't have to do it alone.

My other lesson I've learned is one I've needed for awhile now: more compassion for those hooked on narcotics and prescription medications. I've got family and friends who have ruined their lives and their loved ones lives because of addictions to such, and I've never felt sorrow for them. Hate comes to mind....Unforgiveness for the hurt they've caused me and my loved one...Inability to love them....ever. That's just truth people- judge me or not. I've felt it and I'm laying it out there...The Lord is giving me a taste of my own medicine. I've had to RELY on these very heavy drugs to get me through me day. And not just one or two....we're talking 8 or more every.single.day.- just to ease the pain. Not even to take it all away. I call the triage nurse at the hospital to say- I'm in pain! I need more and the tone of voice you get back is awful...they've already labeled you as drug seeking. But it's me! 24 year old perky nurse who would never do such a thing! But would I not? I need these meds (well, unless I want to lay around in complete misery...and misery might be an understatement). So did many of the people who abuse them now....started out with an injury and went from there. Now lives are ruined. I still have A LOT of wrestling to do with this subject, but I'm finally feeling this chipping away at my very long hardened heart towards these people....I'm starting to understand and I hope this carries way to love and forgiveness and an ability to move on in some sort of way.

I have not blogged in awhile and a great friend said I needed an outlet again since all my physical ones are gone...it was true. I do feel a healing being able to write this all down and have heard from several of you that you get something from my blogs...so I hope not only to allow myself healing but to open hearts of others. Pray for me as I see an orthopedic surgeon this morning for a second opinion...can never have too many opinions when it's your livelihood we're talking about. We'll go from there, but until then, Lord- I'm hearing you whisper through the wind, "I'm with you" and I will praise You in this storm.