Disease of Perfection

I've been wanting to write about this topic for awhile now, but have been unsure exactly how to put it into words. How do you verbalize something that penetrates your very being every moment of every day of every year since you can remember? How do you speak out about something with such a potent stigma, something so many will judge you for, look down upon you for, and even perpetuate the very thing that is destroying you internally. I don't really know…I don't really know a lot of things as this blog has made very clear, but I want to be clear and free from one thing- the disease of perfectionism.

I don't remember when my obsession with being perfect started. I remember going to the pool in middle school with a friend and realizing that she was in a cute little bikini and when I tried on one of her extras, I looked nothing like her. I remember being on instant messenger in middle school when an anonymous screen name bullied me, calling me fat and ugly with the blunt bangs that I had for as long as I remember. I guess it was middle school when I realized that people are different and the world isn't nice...if I wanted to survive, I needed to try harder. Of course, this perpetuated when I lost weight my sophomore year of high school and started receiving positive attention. Was that ever enough? Of course not....I had to be the best to avoid negative consequences. Best at the things I cared about- band, guard, appearances, grades, etc...Setting myself high expectations that could never be achieved. Setting myself up to fail. And there the cycle continues. I always strive to please the people I look up to. Pleasing others....what a fruitless effort. Of course- this thought process brought many accolades, awards, and positive attention that would make any parent gloat with pride. But inside- where was I? Inside that perky exterior was (and still is) someone screaming to just be "okay" with not being "perfect"....

Don't give me the lecture of "Jesus was the only one that was perfect and he died for you not being perfect and yada yada yada yada.....". That's nice and dandy and one that I, and many others, struggle to still whole heartedly surrender to. I'm just being honest about it. In fact, I've been burned by a Christian and 'leader' in a former home church that criticized me for not being able to totally give myself up to that. There's a lot of work to be done there.....I know that.

I don't know how far I want to delve into my symptoms of this disease. I call it a disease because it's something that I can't break on my own...It's something that will destroy my life if I continue down this road. I wonder if not diving into what I struggle with simply reflects my fear of what other people think....isn't that what I do while giving into perfectionism? Worrying about disappointing others? And if I don't go there- what worldly impact could this post ever make? What if there's someone out there who is just like me and thinks, "Wow- she has it all together" when the opposite is oh-so-true and I just hide it well.

I guess we'll go there- let the repercussions come as they may.

-I'm about to be a 25 year old who has spent 13 years of her life over a toilet, tupperware bowl, anything to get out the food that I just ingested because of the massive guilt it caused me.

-I am what the world would consider a beautiful girl and yet, all I can see is the "man face" that I was called over AOL instant messenger.

-I pretend I love food, but in fact- I dread meals and believe I'll never be thin enough.

-I was the child who was terrified to tell my parents things because I was scared I'd disappoint them.

-I was the new graduate nurse who was more scared of disappointing my preceptors and mentors than making some other type of mistake.

-I am a newlywed to the most handsome, loving husband in the world, yet can't love him properly because of a traumatic experience that happened to me with a former boyfriend.

-I am the girl who cried herself to sleep all through high school (in the midst of being president of our girl's club, a soloist in both band, symphony, and guard, national honor society, etc) and wished that life would just slip away from me.

-I have had panic attacks since high school that kept me from reaching my full potential in band and guard. Those same attacks plague me still.

-I'm lonely...oh-so-very lonely emotionally. It's not like people share this dirty laundry and I have someone who I can relate to.

-I am on anti-anxiety medication to keep me from hyperventilating during panic attacks that can last hours every single day. I disguise them as allergies or asthma.

-I am on an an anti-depressant medication and the only thing I can think about is how I hope it doesn't make me gain weight.

-I would be considered clinically depressed, having bulimia nervosa, anorexia nervosa, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety disorder.

-There's a part of me that doesn't want to get better (I told you I was going there....)

There she blows. Many of things not even those closest to me know, so I have a feel that there will be a lot of "LUUUUUUCY! YOU HAVE SOME 'SPLAININ TO DO!!!!" But, There I am- the ugly and dirty parts that people, especially Christians, try to hide with all their might. The parts that I HAVE HID for the majority of my life. I'm done hiding...I'm TIRED. I'm EXHAUSTED of hiding. I'm tired of LYING...isn't that what it is??

All of these things are kept 'mum' in Christian circles (or at least the unfortunate ones I've been in). I, for one, am pretty darned glad that Jesus hung out with prostitutes, tax collectors, lepers and the scums of society...if that's what all those things make me, then I guess I'll be the one washing His feet while those who keep quiet are in the kitchen. That's a pretty good deal it seems.

I don't need tons of comments with "self help" advice nor do I need pity. Lord- doesn't it seem like I have enough pity in my life as it is? I'm just trying to be honest and open and translucent. No one's life is as it seems from the outside. I've lost friends over this and I'm prepared to lose more. But my real ones- well they are treasures worth far more than gold. They know that really- I'm not that different than many other people out there and if we could all just love, and accept, and be kinder in our every day meetings- then maybe there wouldn't be the need to try and die to be perfect. All of us who are like me dream of the freedom that contentment would feel like…to me it seems like it would be like sea-mist spraying on my face. Flying perhaps? Maybe even galloping through a field with reckless abandon. I hope that one day this not-so-secret-anymore will be a stepping stone to something great…until then- I humble myself before the Lord and you all. And that's about all the strength I can muster and for once, I'm content with that being enough….

Step One: Admitting The Problem