I'm Baaaaaack!

This is going to be a little bit of a free flowing post…I have so many topics I WANT to write about (ex:  forgiveness (haven't forgotten ya, Nancy!), marriage, friendship, etc), but the only things on my mind are these lyrics:

"Nothing's gonna hold me back. No, nothing's gonna hold me back! Nothing's gonna hold me back!
My chains fell off, my heart was free! I'm alive to live for you! I'm alive to live for you!! Amazing love, how can it be?! You give everything for me! You give everything for me….everything."- Holding Nothing Back by Tim Hughes (can watch http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1i1JMkWTzq0 right here!)

My heart is REJOICING today! I have no other reason than I'm alive and I can see the beauty of Christ in my life!  As Beth Moore would say…my heart feels like it will thump out of my chest.  I'm truly living JOY!

I truly believe that for most of the time that I've been out of work and wading through all this insurance mess, I've felt pretty sorry for myself.  I would go in and out of the saying, "Oh, I know God has a plan and it will all be fine", but my life did not show those words.  I didn't say those words with JOY! Now I want to SHOUT- "MY INJURY AND DISABILITY HAS A PURPOSE ORDAINED BY THE LORD!!!! HE WILL RECEIVE GLORY!!! HALLELUJAH!!!!"  I walk with more of a skip in my step, I'm less worried about the measly amount of money disability provides, and I'm just more JOYFUL….and it's because of a God who is merciful and GOOD. Always.

So what's the change huh?  When did depresso Liz get back to her espresso self? (That was pretty good, wasn't it?) It's when I was reading one of my homework lessons for my bible study I'm a part of. We were reading the story when Peter and Saul are preaching in a town and get thrown into prison for ordering a demon out of a possessed girl.  As they sat in prison (this must be where the saying, "good friends don't bail you out of jail, they're in there with you'' came from) they didn't mope about their situation. They had also be beaten the crap out of and I'm sure they were scared they could very possibly die in there.  BUT! Instead of clambering in a corner, they start singing and praying!  The other prisoners listened as Peter and Saul WORSHIPED and it became a time of true fellowship!  God responded with a massive earthquake that crumbled the jail to pieces….instead of fleeing- like most would do if in that tough of a spot- they stayed!  The jailer came running through the rubble screaming, "Where is everyone?!?!" and Peter said, "Don't worry! No one is gone! We're all still right here!".  At that moment the jailer fell to his knees and asked Peter and Saul what he had to do to 'have what they have'…to know this Christ Jesus they spoke of.  The next day, the jailer and his entire family were baptized and Peter and Saul were set free…..

Great story..but a story is only that unless you put it to application.  For me, I saw it as- why am I struggling to get out of this prison?? Why am I so desperately trying to flee when I have NO IDEA what God has around the corner for me?!?!? What if He keeps me here 15 more years, but the Glory He receives from it changes the world?!? Instead of fleeing- let me PRAISE Him! He actually COMMANDS us to praise Him through trials for that is where He is made strong! It's where we can sing of His goodness and holiness for getting us through! Ever since then I've made a larger effort to truly rejoice in the Lord and my situation and not have so many ants in my pants because it's taking so long.  One thing is FOR CERTAIN- God keeps His promises and I cannot wait for the day that my story might possibly be something that brings someone into His kingdom for eternity. What more could anyone ask for?

Isn't that what we want from our lives? Not just a part of our life, but our entire livelihoods?  It's what I want from mine.  I think the Sidewalk Prophets say it best in their song 'Live Like That'…I'll leave you with the lyrics and hopefully one day I will actually write a blog at a decent hour during the day ;)

"Sometimes I think what will people say of me when I'm only just a memory; When I'm home where my soul belongs.
Was I love when no one else would show up? Was I Jesus to the least of us? Was my worship more than just a song?


I want to LIVE LIKE THAT! And give it all I have so that everything I say and do points to You!
If love is who I am, then this is where I'll stand. Recklessly abandoned, never holding back. I want to live like that. I want to live like that!


Am I proof that You are who You say You are?  That grace can really change a heart?  Do I live like Your love is true?
People pass, and even if they don't know my name, is there evidence that I've been changed? When they see me do they see You?……


I want to LIVE LIKE THAT! And give it all I have so that everything I say and do points to You! If love is who I am, then this is where I'll stand.  Recklessly abandoned, never holding back…I want to live like that!


I want to show the world the love You gave for me; I'm longing for the world to know the glory of the King.


I want to LIVE LIKE THAT! And give it all I have so that everything I say and do points to You! If love is who I am, then this is where I'll stand.  Recklessly abandoned, never holding back…I want to live like that!….I want to live like that…..I want to live like that."- Sidewalk Prophets

Rejected

Some of you may be reading this wondering- "Woah, I thought she made this private and I definitely didn't send her my email address so why the heck can I get to the blog?"…Well, I've made a defiant choice to keep my blog public.  You see, even though I had an incredible response to some of my other postings, I also had many REJECTIONS to those postings.  I had people very close to me practically demand that I make my blog private or take it down.  They were rejecting my feelings…rejecting my writings…rejecting these things that I had felt it on my heart to pour out.  They were rejecting ME.  It left me feeling vacant…not good enough…like I was just spit out!

I can't take credit for all I am about to write.  I'm in the middle of a Beth Moore bible study that I was invited to by Jennifer Craven and it's regarding the fruits of the Spirit.  After studying love, and what true agape love means, Beth focuses on rejection.  In her words, every time you try to love you will ALWAYS risk rejection.  This could be applied to a relationship, but for this particular circumstance, it was following my heart and what the Lord put before me (For God IS love)…I felt that I was called to bare my soul and in turn, I was able to love on people and they were able to love on me back.  But, there again, I had some that rejected what I said and told me that it wasn't anyone else's business and I shouldn't be putting myself out there like that.  For a long time, I wrestled with the rejection I was hearing vs. all the people that LOVED reading my truths.  The ones that knew they weren't alone.  The ones that were able to take hold of their own lives and be themselves for the first time! All these amazing stories vs. a couple of rejections….well crap! What do I do with that especially when those rejections wounded my heart...

Last night in Bible study it hit me.  Because I feel like I have an anointing to speak to peoples hearts, I am accepting the rejection, because who those people really are rejecting isn't me, it's Christ Himself.  I am choosing to follow and obey what I feel called to do.  Sometimes that means digging into things that aren't very pretty and they're uncomfortable and they're taboo- but hiding in the darkness doesn't allow life to enter.  And if I have people pitying me for things I've gone through, then by all means- go on with yourself.  In my weakness, HE is made strong.  For every struggle, He will be glorified! VICTORY has already been claimed and that is not going to change by a silly little blog….it was claimed when Jesus died on the cross for ALL of our baggage.  I'm just simply saying 'yes'! Lord- here are my pitfalls…I repent and I claim the forgiveness and healing You so freely give! I invite rejection because that means that I've been trying to love and follow the will of God, but no longer will I allow rejection to determine my footsteps.

Impromptu Pissed Off, Rant Off

OKAY- So I know yesterday I promised a blog about the freedom that I've found in releasing people from the bondage known as unforgiveness.  BUT- after seeing so many people that I love and respect wanting to, or actually having read, this book- I simply must interject. PS: 18 and older please. Explicit material discussed.

The book is called Fifty Shades of Grey by E L James.  It's a New York Times bestseller and is receiving a following like Harry Potter and Twilight, except the audience is women…young adult, middle aged, and so on.  It's a piece of erotic fiction based on a young woman who meets a manipulative billionaire who brings her into the world of bondage, control, and domination.  The chapters are filled with explicit sex scenes where this girl is no longer in control, yet this man is.

MMMMMMMMK- Lots of things wrong with this picture and I have no idea where to start.

 Let's begin:
One of the main things that bothers me about the premise of this book (I have not read it, nor ever intend to, and will question the motives of any of my girlfriends that would) is that it's basically porn…it's porn for women.  Men WATCH sexual movies, porn, whatever because they are visually stimulated.  Women are different…we're emotionally stimulated.  It's why books like Twilight and Nicholas Sparks receive so much attention…the love stories in them arouse our innate desire to be loved and romanced.  It's a desire that was put in us by God, but His purpose for that desire was to be fulfilled by Him and our husband…that's it.  Not Edward or Jacob.  Not Zac-freaking-Efron in The Lucky One or Noah in the Notebook. But by your husband.  Many women find themselves reading these books, swooning, and then subconsciously comparing the characters to their own husbands…their own flawed husbands (as we all are) don't stand a chance against the 'perfect' imaginary characters that will never know life outside the ink of a paperback. I was once talking to a friend who was rereading the Twilight series and even said something along the lines of, "I wish (my husband) was more like Edward"…I immediately told her to put the book down and I felt so very sorry for the standard that was set before her husband to 'measure up'.

We are also creatures who crave intimacy.  It was set forth in the garden of Eden when Adam and Eve were not scared to be naked in front of each other.  It was explicitly described in Song of Soloman…the perfect intimate relationship to be had between a husband and wife that was created by an intimate God.  What a beautiful thing!!!!

This intimacy is defiled by many things…sexual abuse, pornography addictions, adultery, the list goes on.   It can be a grueling thing to dig through the mess of a sinful world to truly experience the supernatural intimacy that God has created for us.  In fact, on a personal note- I am painstakingly working, praying, fasting every day to allow the Lord to heal my wounded heart from sexual abuse.  I cry out in prayer, my husband lays hands on me nightly and prays over our home, and we are crawling out of a pit so that one day we may experience intimacy the way God intended for it to happen.  Sometimes we're caught off guard and blessed by it and oh- the fragrance of the Lord is so sweet!  But this corrupt world has distorted what God intended to be beautiful, and sexual, and intimate, and intense into…well…a mess!

Books like this one, where women are caught up in the emotional intimate plot line are NOT what God intended for your sex life with your husband.  Many fans of the book would argue that they like that the male character in the book is 'in control' and 'dominating' over his female partner since they feel so out of control in their own lives…is that what true intimacy looks like?  I dare you, those that have read the book and consider themselves Christians, to compare the sexual scenes in 'FSOG' to Song of Soloman….I would guess they paint themselves in very different lights. I'll bet you my entire disability check on it….

"But I don't feel fulfilled in my intimate life with my spouse!" "But I like the way it grabs me into the book and I can't put it down!" Blah blah blah blah blah! Does it look like I give a flying flip about why you seem to enjoy this book….it's probably the same reasons a man looking at pornographic websites would give and if that was your husband, you would throw the computer out of the window.  Women- RESPECT your husbands enough to allow HIM to be the only one that enters the intimate atmosphere of your life like that.  Men view respect from their wives as love…They want to be respected. They need to be respected.  Respect the God who created a husband for you to love, and cherish, and be your spiritual leader.  He makes no mistake! As soon as you start reserving all intimacy (physical and emotional- yes I'm talking about that coworker you flirt with at lunch or freaking-ugly-Edward in Twilight) for your husband, while it may take work, you can also have a chance to experience love (and SEX) the way GOD wanted it to be.  And you can bet your bottom dollar it's more mind-blowing than any novel…He IS Lord of the universe and created the act, ya know.

 If something is lacking in that department, find out what it is….and WORK on it.  Marriage is work right?  I have spent years of my life terrified of intimacy because of what was done to me so many years ago.  I have prohibited my husband and I from experiencing God-driven intimacy….but we're working on it.  And not through sex driven images or novels or toys or other things.  But through fervent prayer, counseling, and communication.  I respect my husband enough to not resort to other means to become aroused and stuff away all my intimacy issues (that would be a lie, anyway)…and he respects me enough that when I tell him, "I'm anxious….I'm scared", he hugs me, holds me, and prays for God to come into our room and provide us comfort and rest.  That is a stark contrast to the domination and control displayed of the female in Fifty Shades of Grey and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what type of man most women would prefer.  In fact- for someone like I, who was a victim of sexual abuse where control was taken away from me, a book like this could be damaging to the core bring back past memories and instilling the fact that men will always have control in the bedroom.  What a horrid horrid painful lie…

I know that I've ranted in a completely random, non calculated manner…some of this makes no sense. But I just want to warn women of the harm that can occur with books like this.  It is the EXACT SAME THING has your husband disrespecting you through pornographic visualization.  If I'm the only one that sees the danger in this, then well then by God- I must be the only one with sense in the world.  But I have a hope and trust in the intimacy that God has promised me and my husband.  Not a hope in the world because the world will always fail you.

So put the book down.  Look at your amazing husband, father of your children, and your partner in life and choose HIM.  Besides, didn't you vow to choose him when you made those vows? Choose Him and choose him.  It will be the best thing you ever did for your relationship.

Woah Nelly!

Two evenings ago, when I pressed that publish button, I never expected the reaction that I received from my "Disease of Perfection" blog. In fact, the almost immediate comments, filling of my inbox, emails, and text messages took me by surprise….okay-lie- they kind of freaked me out a bit. I cried. I kicked. I wondered why the hell I ever did this. I refused to look at them throughout the day. I never, in a million years, would have thought that THAT many people would care what I had to say…

After I hurt my back, I got hundreds of "We love you, Liz!" comments and likewise for this post. That's not what brought me to my knees….but it was the vast multitudes of "I have the same feelings and have never had the guts to reveal them". "I've been in your shoes, but I've battled it alone". "I, too, can't seem to be perfect enough". "We are so alike in what we've been through and never even knew it"…..I have received close to one hundred responses, many of which are also girls that cry out with similar or the same issues that were brought out in the open the other day. (PS: I will personally get back to all of you soon! There are a lot of messages so it'll take me awhile…)

Let's forget about the whole, "You are so brave, courageous, bladdy bladdy blah" stuff. Was it courageous to press the publish button…No. I felt it put on my heart by God so I had a peace about it. But was it anxiety provoking when my iPhone acted like it was having seizures because of the responses? Uh- YEAH! Not that I really thought that someone would be like- "You anorexic whore that's still not thin enough! Idiot!"…ha- I just realized, "Oh crap…..I did this. People know. And I can't turn back."

That's the point. John 1:4-5 'What came into existence was Life, and the Life was LIGHT to live by. The Light blazed out the darkness; the darkness couldn't put it out." This verse was my heart when writing the last blog. The eating disorders, anxiety, and mess was the darkness that had been hidden away for so long…eating (no pun intended, even though it is kind of funny in a dark sense of humor) away at ever fiber of my being all while staying "secret". By bringing it OUT, out into the LIGHT, it can no longer retreat back into the dark. I might now start living the life intended for me because my demons are out of their comfort zone and into the Lord's light. God's light penetrates everything around it (For He IS the Light) and I'm so excited to bask in it in a more full way than ever before.

I also believe that the many girls who came to me with similar lives is a testament to how serious this Disease of Perfection is. It effects your daughter, mother, sister, boss, heck- even men in our lives feel immense pressure to be the perfect provider, man, lover, etc. So why are we keeping this quiet, and by doing so, giving it power?! I want, more than anything, to show that this is something WORTH talking about!

1 in 4 college-aged women engage in binging and purging (bulimia).

Over one HALF of girls and one THIRD of men resort to unhealthy weight control behaviors such as fasting, purging, vomiting, taxing laxatives, etc.

Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.

http://www.anad.org/get-information/about-eating-disorders/eating-disorders-statistics/

Now, do you think that's something worth talking about? Facts are- you either are or know someone who suffers from this disease (hellooooo- you are reading my blog). And this doesn't even delve into other symptoms of perfectionism such as anxiety disorder, panic disorder, depression, and OCD.

I'm here, taking a stand and saying "It's okay to talk about". The darkness will not control us any longer than we let it. Screw the stigma….I dare you to find one person in the world who doesn't have baggage they'd prefer to keep secret. So cast the first stone, hun. I'm a raggedy mess who doesn't have to climb out entirely on my own thanks to the grace of God (whole other blog post…or two…or eight).

Disease of Perfection

I've been wanting to write about this topic for awhile now, but have been unsure exactly how to put it into words. How do you verbalize something that penetrates your very being every moment of every day of every year since you can remember? How do you speak out about something with such a potent stigma, something so many will judge you for, look down upon you for, and even perpetuate the very thing that is destroying you internally. I don't really know…I don't really know a lot of things as this blog has made very clear, but I want to be clear and free from one thing- the disease of perfectionism.

I don't remember when my obsession with being perfect started. I remember going to the pool in middle school with a friend and realizing that she was in a cute little bikini and when I tried on one of her extras, I looked nothing like her. I remember being on instant messenger in middle school when an anonymous screen name bullied me, calling me fat and ugly with the blunt bangs that I had for as long as I remember. I guess it was middle school when I realized that people are different and the world isn't nice...if I wanted to survive, I needed to try harder. Of course, this perpetuated when I lost weight my sophomore year of high school and started receiving positive attention. Was that ever enough? Of course not....I had to be the best to avoid negative consequences. Best at the things I cared about- band, guard, appearances, grades, etc...Setting myself high expectations that could never be achieved. Setting myself up to fail. And there the cycle continues. I always strive to please the people I look up to. Pleasing others....what a fruitless effort. Of course- this thought process brought many accolades, awards, and positive attention that would make any parent gloat with pride. But inside- where was I? Inside that perky exterior was (and still is) someone screaming to just be "okay" with not being "perfect"....

Don't give me the lecture of "Jesus was the only one that was perfect and he died for you not being perfect and yada yada yada yada.....". That's nice and dandy and one that I, and many others, struggle to still whole heartedly surrender to. I'm just being honest about it. In fact, I've been burned by a Christian and 'leader' in a former home church that criticized me for not being able to totally give myself up to that. There's a lot of work to be done there.....I know that.

I don't know how far I want to delve into my symptoms of this disease. I call it a disease because it's something that I can't break on my own...It's something that will destroy my life if I continue down this road. I wonder if not diving into what I struggle with simply reflects my fear of what other people think....isn't that what I do while giving into perfectionism? Worrying about disappointing others? And if I don't go there- what worldly impact could this post ever make? What if there's someone out there who is just like me and thinks, "Wow- she has it all together" when the opposite is oh-so-true and I just hide it well.

I guess we'll go there- let the repercussions come as they may.

-I'm about to be a 25 year old who has spent 13 years of her life over a toilet, tupperware bowl, anything to get out the food that I just ingested because of the massive guilt it caused me.

-I am what the world would consider a beautiful girl and yet, all I can see is the "man face" that I was called over AOL instant messenger.

-I pretend I love food, but in fact- I dread meals and believe I'll never be thin enough.

-I was the child who was terrified to tell my parents things because I was scared I'd disappoint them.

-I was the new graduate nurse who was more scared of disappointing my preceptors and mentors than making some other type of mistake.

-I am a newlywed to the most handsome, loving husband in the world, yet can't love him properly because of a traumatic experience that happened to me with a former boyfriend.

-I am the girl who cried herself to sleep all through high school (in the midst of being president of our girl's club, a soloist in both band, symphony, and guard, national honor society, etc) and wished that life would just slip away from me.

-I have had panic attacks since high school that kept me from reaching my full potential in band and guard. Those same attacks plague me still.

-I'm lonely...oh-so-very lonely emotionally. It's not like people share this dirty laundry and I have someone who I can relate to.

-I am on anti-anxiety medication to keep me from hyperventilating during panic attacks that can last hours every single day. I disguise them as allergies or asthma.

-I am on an an anti-depressant medication and the only thing I can think about is how I hope it doesn't make me gain weight.

-I would be considered clinically depressed, having bulimia nervosa, anorexia nervosa, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety disorder.

-There's a part of me that doesn't want to get better (I told you I was going there....)

There she blows. Many of things not even those closest to me know, so I have a feel that there will be a lot of "LUUUUUUCY! YOU HAVE SOME 'SPLAININ TO DO!!!!" But, There I am- the ugly and dirty parts that people, especially Christians, try to hide with all their might. The parts that I HAVE HID for the majority of my life. I'm done hiding...I'm TIRED. I'm EXHAUSTED of hiding. I'm tired of LYING...isn't that what it is??

All of these things are kept 'mum' in Christian circles (or at least the unfortunate ones I've been in). I, for one, am pretty darned glad that Jesus hung out with prostitutes, tax collectors, lepers and the scums of society...if that's what all those things make me, then I guess I'll be the one washing His feet while those who keep quiet are in the kitchen. That's a pretty good deal it seems.

I don't need tons of comments with "self help" advice nor do I need pity. Lord- doesn't it seem like I have enough pity in my life as it is? I'm just trying to be honest and open and translucent. No one's life is as it seems from the outside. I've lost friends over this and I'm prepared to lose more. But my real ones- well they are treasures worth far more than gold. They know that really- I'm not that different than many other people out there and if we could all just love, and accept, and be kinder in our every day meetings- then maybe there wouldn't be the need to try and die to be perfect. All of us who are like me dream of the freedom that contentment would feel like…to me it seems like it would be like sea-mist spraying on my face. Flying perhaps? Maybe even galloping through a field with reckless abandon. I hope that one day this not-so-secret-anymore will be a stepping stone to something great…until then- I humble myself before the Lord and you all. And that's about all the strength I can muster and for once, I'm content with that being enough….

Step One: Admitting The Problem

ONE YEAR...holy guacamole!

I've thought a lot about this date for months...knowing it was coming closer. I've cried about it (and everything else under the moon) for weeks dreading it. I thought I would be a mess, but I have only one word to say...

HALLELUJAH!

Wow! I'm so happy today...this time one year ago, I had already fallen. I was probably receiving the news from an ED doc that my riding career was over. In my mind, one year ago, my life was over. Now, with hindsight being 20/20, I'm so thankful for that painful day.

I've worried. Oh, how I've fretted and struggled! It's been hard, but the Lord does not promise life to be easy. His Word says "THERE WILL BE TRIBULATION AND TRIALS!", in other versions it translates, "You will have many trials and sorrows!" John 16:33. That means that this accident was never any surprise to our Lord...it didn't just pop up on Him and take His breath away. He knew it would happen and He tells us that life isn't going to be candy and popcorn....we WILL struggle and that I have. Read my other blogs if you want to go into that, but today, I celebrate.

I celebrate the other part of this verse: "I have told you these things so you may have PEACE (rest!); in this life you WILL have trials and tribulation, but be courageous (take heart...cheer up...have confidence) for I have OVERCOME the world!" John 16:33....My old band director wrote this in my year book one year and it's been my favorite verse ever since simply because it is so true...The Lord is true to His promises because He is victorious. He rules this world and is in the midst of even the worst of struggles. He promises in Romans 8:28 to "work all things for the good of those who love Him." Oh Lord, Oh Lord, you have not forsaken me....

My life-physically and sometimes emotionally painful as it may be and has been- is better off for that fateful day of March 4, 2011 and every day afterwards. My marriage is 20 times what it would have been and I'm sure of that- My husband went through this with me every step of the way and I'm certain is the most patient man on the face of the earth...the RESPECT and love I have for him now has no words. It has been a DIFFICULT year and half of marriage (even without the broken back!) and I've had many seasoned married couples say that most wouldn't have made it...I don't have the longevity to know if that's true or not, but one thing I do know is that I have the most amazing best friend. husband. protector. in the world and he was crafted especially for me.

My relationship with the Lord is stronger than it was prior...Swayze has his rightful place in the family (BEHIND my husband)....I'm more appreciate of the love my amazing parents have for me...I'm aware of MANY my flaws and self esteem issues and have sought the proper help to navigate them...I have found out who my true friends are and are NOT...I could go on and on...

Swayze is in a much better place too...I had many people tell me to sell him or ask why I didn't put him down. It was never an option. Not only is he in a much better place physically, but we could not ask for a better barn and barn family to have supported us during this time. We were introduced to the wonderful world of groundwork and I now don't know how people can stand their horses without doing it! Ha! He is a pleasure (most times) and I attribute that to the groundwork that Scarlett introduced me to when I was still in my brace (She must have known I needed it physically and emotionally as much as Swayze did!)...it was probably something I would have looked over had I had the ability to ride. It was something I could physically do with Swayze in my own fragile physical state and wow- I have a different horse and my relationship with him is something that I can't explain...Beryl Markham says it best, "A lovely horse is always an experience. It is an emotional experience of the kind that is spoiled by words."

I'm so thankful for, not only my physical safety of what "could have been", but for what this past year has given me. There are many to thank for that....my Travo, my amazing parents, Scarlett and Bruce Mullin (the entire HMF family- Sally, Katie, Linds x 2, Kara, Tanja, Ashley, Jan, Josh!), Alex Tripken, Alexis Gragg, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY COWORKERS! (could not have done this without my PICU support system!), Alma Watson, Kathy and Mike Sink, Cynthia and James Fussell, The Lineberger family, many friends and family who prayed for my consistently...none of this would have been possible if it wasn't for all of you, and more than I'm sure my meds are making me skip my mind!

I love you all and CHEERS to a year that I consider a blessing and success.

When you ask for opinions...

I wrote my last blog literally 3 hours before I had an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon for a second opinion on my injury. My how things have changed....It almost felt wrong to post the last, but it was my truth for that moment and my reality.

This surgeon...man- he's good. Those shoes he was wearing...I could have probably bought a new car for what he bought those custom slippers for. I guess that's what happens when you're an orthopedic surgeon. Anyway- I go to Comp Rehab nervous but the staff was fantastic and wonderful. I wish the warm welcome I had from them was the same as my last hospital stay! When the doc came in, he literally gave me the most thorough assessment I've had my entire injury course...Every part of my body was assessed and I felt like my entire neurological system had been completely and thoughtfully looked over. It's not that my other docs never assessed me, but I didn't realize how UNthorough their assessments had been until this man. He addresses my pain, which is really nice to have someone say, "YES! You do hurt! There is a reason!".... sometimes it's nice just to not feel like you're crazy. He looked at my films and here was the frustrating part: he said my vertebra looked normal. The angle was fine. He said he calculated 9 where as my other neurosurgeon calculated 26 (near surgery). Ummmmmmm....yeah. Who knows.

BUT- the most important part....a little history: Travis and I sat in the hospital room asking for physical therapy after discharge. We were told, "Nah! She's young and healthy! She doesn't need it!"...I ask two more times at follow-up appointments (even ones where my pain was unbearable when it shouldn't have been) and we were told by neurosurgeons that I didn't need it. Well, well, well- sometimes the patient does know best. This doctor confirmed that I should have been in aggressive PT AS SOON as that brace came off because of the severe atrophy that my core muscles had...DUH! He explained that it wasn't just my fracture (and apparently some disc slippage and compression we were not told about prior) that was affected during my fall. He said it takes a GRAND force to get the injury I did and the way it happened was by having that force move through my entire spine and L1 was the one that ended up "broken"....but ALL discs and vertebrae were involved. All were injured and weakened even if nothing shows up on X-ray. Especially because I have pain that is all over my lower back, it's not JUST at my fracture sight, thus- a fusion at that sight might not work. It might not "fix" what's truly causing the pain.

He said my best bet was to strengthen my core...and by his definition- it's more than hitting the gym with planks. He said that even while I was back to working out and feeling fit, my core was still not strong enough to support my very sensitive spine. Long over are the days of being able to do anything without any worries...I must be strong enough and I'm just not. So he advised 6 weeks of aggressive PT for 3 times a week prior to ANY activity....no work, no riding, no running, no nothing. Nothing strenuous until I meet his definition of having a strong core to support my spine and THEN, if we're still having problems, we'll talk other methods.

All of this makes PERFECT sense. I mean- could I have even asked for a better outcome or opinion? Yet I still feel heavy in my heart...partially because this could have been prevented had I had the necessary physical therapy directly out of my brace equalling less time out of work. That's very frustrating for me...I'm back to "not being active" even though I know this PT will probably kick my butt and leave me screaming. But it hurts- it hurts to not ride my horse. It hurts to know I'm leaving my unit during a staffing crunch for something that could and SHOULD have been prevented. It hurts physically. It hearts my heart that we're 2 days away from the one year anniversary....

So yes- I got great news which means no surgery for the time being. But please still be sensitive to the fact that my heart hurts...there is a lot of stress that goes with having your husband in school and then you're all of a sudden making less than half of what you were on disability. That hurts to know that disability will have to extend for who knows how long! There is a lot of stress because I miss my outlets...my running, my exercise, oh- my lovely horse! I was really looking forward to possibly showing some lower level dressage tests this spring and that goal is now gone...that hurts. I can barely groom him without spasms; I feel so bad half the time that I can't make it out to the barn, and even then someone has to take me because of the drugs I'm on! I MISS HIM! He's in the best care I could have ever dreamt of and I'm thankful for that, but it's a girl and her horse....this hurts. It hurts to know that this mess is STILL consuming my life. How many times can your life get turned upside down and keep it together? I dare you to try.

Just as this orthopedic surgeon had his opinion, you all have yours. I heard them. Everything from, "Just suck it up and get through it", "It's okay to feel sad! You have every right!", "Don't think about that", "You're going to be okay so what's the big deal?".... The big deal is that this is my life and I have many feelings floating around my heart. I am sad as explained above. I am hopeful because we now have a plan for my treatment. I am glad that I do not have to have surgery. They are all real and they are all valid simply because I feel them. They are mine and I ask for respect that if you disagree about the this thing that has hold on my life right now, you keep it to yourself. You'd appreciate the same if you were to break your back.

So I guess that's my update. Nothing profound. Just an update for anyone who possibly may be listening...maybe no one. And that would be fine. It's nice to get it out. But if you are listening, I could use a hug right about now and I hope that I don't have to get a second opinion on that too.