Long Time Check-In- Part One

Well hidy-ho neighbors! Long time, no blog…shocker. At least I'm still consistent with blogging at unreasonable hours of the morning. Some things never change.

So much has happened since I last checked in. First off, in late August-early September, I was finally approved for the spinal fusion that we had been praying for, well, for many many months! I couldn't believe it was real.  Even when it was scheduled, on the books, going in for my pre-op…something had to happen.  This is NOT happening!

Meanwhile, God was at work other places in my life as well! I have felt the tug in my heart with Mary Kay that I should try and complete their Director in Qualification process prior to going back to work full-time at Baptist.  If I don't do it now, I'll never do it.  But the first thing I needed was over $1000 in retail sales in two weeks…uh- yeah.  In MK, based on your wholesale production, you move up a STAR ladder and I was going for the $1800 wholesale (roughly $3600 retail) Sapphire STAR.  And this was all within the two weeks prior to my surgery.

Most importantly, Travis and I have found an amazing church that is great for us.  Travis had never even been there or heard a sermon before he told me it was our home church…he told me, "I've prayed about it. God is definitely moving there. It's home." I was overjoyed!  It is truly a come as you are, we don't care about your baggage, we don't care what you've done, we just want to see people far from God learn to run after Him with everything in their lives!  I quickly hopped in on the action and started to serve there, meeting some of the most incredible people I have ever met.  Not only are their transformation stories about how God radically turned their world upside down amazing, but they have now given their life over to Him by serving His people rather than serving themselves.  We like to say that we take off the bib and put on an apron.  My church family (even after only being there a month) gathered around me in prayer and celebration when my surgery was finalized!  I knew them a month people…how long does it take you to form family when you first visit a church?  We want you in our house! We want you to hear the Word! We want to make you family so we can change the world! OH MAN- I'm getting into preaching mode- but what I'm saying is that if surgery had happened even a month sooner, I would not have these people in my lives.  Thank you, Journey Church…for putting on your aprons for your own as well.

Okay- back on track here, Elisabeth. So then we had the exciting event of my brother-in-law, Kyle, marrying Ellen Cruise the weekend before my wedding.  SUPER exciting, but certainly did not leave much time for all the things I thought I 'had to get done' before surgery.

Then came rainstorms…hail storms from the enemy where Travis and I were dodging them like bullets.   A tree limb fell on my car a few months earlier. Still needed fixing.  My disability check got caught off and I did not have a check for over a month.  Travis had a potential health scare that left us quite uneasy for several days (he's fine now, bt-dubs!).  I even had a GI bleed the night of Ellen's wedding, leaving us all wondering if surgery was going to even happen and a long afternoon on Sunday in the Baptist ED.

The biggest rock thrown at us by the enemy was the day I became approved for surgery and we set the date.  A morning filled with immense joy!!! We took Duke to our awesome vet, Eric Taylor, for what we thought was a cyst on his shoulder.  He wasn't acting funny…he would still get the zoomies…he was still Duke, just with a lump on his wither.  Eric aspirated it several times and it's never good when your vet says, "Well that looks weird."  He could not diagnose anything on site because the slide showed so many deformed cells.  In his words, "It was a drunken party of abnormal cells."  He was really concerned and voiced that to us.  His thoughts were that it possibly be a mast cell tumor (which we researched and can be really nasty suckers to deal with…not to mention EXPENSIVE) which would need to be surgically removed. Problem…because of where it was on the shoulder, to properly excise the tumor, his leg would probably need amputation.  Seriously….no- seriously??? Is this REALLY happening??  We spent DAYS taking as many photos and videos of Duke as we could.  We knew that amputation was not a choice for us and yet, the big C-cancer word wasn't out of the equation.  We spent days in tears…days mourning.  When the cytology reports came back from the aspirate- it showed NOTHING! Non-diagnostic and basically fatty cells, probably from around the site. UGH! Really?  So we then decided to have Dr. Taylor go ahead and surgically remove the tumor the Monday before my surgery and 4 days after we found out about the tumor.  He was not able to remove it all, so we brought our drugged up and oozy dog home, left wondering what was wrong.  Wondering, will these be our last weeks with him?  Knowing that we just wanted for him to be comfortable in anyway possible and since the tumor would more than likely return, just let him be.  If you've ever been there before…in that limbo- it's the most devastating thing imaginable.  Sometimes more so than a human (don't go crazy! I love my passed loved-ones, but you can't replace my dog! ).  It IS like your child…I felt like what my parents in the PICU must go through, except they are there, forced to watch their child suffer while still wondering.  Worst feeling ever.

Thursday arrived and while visiting a friend in the hospital, I almost collapsed on the floor after receiving a voicemail.  It wasn't malignant.  It wasn't mast cell.  But it was something so rare that our vet had never seen one in person before and there isn't even much information about them out there in pets.  Duke had a necrotic lipoma.   Basically, he had a fatty tumor (harmless) that underwent some sort of trauma.  Travis and I probably think it was when we taught him how to roll over a couple of weeks before we noticed the mass.  After the trauma, it became SUPER inflamed and encapsulated itself off and the tissue died.  It wasn't gone, but Duke wasn't gone. He was here and as far as we knew and still know- staying here! Thank you, Jesus, for your sweet sweet healing and love.  (PS: He had to have a drain placed because he had so much fluid build-up.  The only way we could HALFWAY control it was to put Duke in Trav's old t-shirts to let the fluid soak up. ICK!)

And then there we are! Surgery day…somehow, everything had been taken care of.  The Lord worked it to where I didn't have to work for a single order that came in and in two weeks, I bypassed my goal of $1800 whole sale by almost $200.  Just by texts, emails, website orders…I didn't "WORK" for a single one.  How could I? I was consumed with STUFF and ISSUES! But wow….over $1800 produced. That was God. I take no credit…..and our dog was healed.  He would be there with me to be in my recovery bed.  Everything with loose ends had been tied up. All I can still do is look up with my hands open wide and say, "Thank you." I never lifted a finger.

………..breathe…….ouch.  I'm getting long-winded and would love to go ahead and tell you my surgery story now, but I think I'm going to call my dad to go for a doughnut run at Krispy Kreme.  I promise, I'll blog my very exciting surgery and recovery (thus far) story soon.  But can we just get a huge "Amen" and round of applause for a God who had everything under His control!?  We are so blessed to be His people and receive His grace.  "The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair".

Promise. Surgery next up….

Unbridled JOY!

It is my honor and unique privilege to officially shout from the rooftops that my insurance has APPROVED and AGREED to pay for my spinal fusion surgery!!!  It's been a year and a half since the accident and seven months since I've been out of work this second time…basically- this has been a long time coming.  It is what we have prayed for, wished and hoped, cried and bawled over….It is what I have longed for every moment of every day and even had me in the worst depression of my life because of being denied the treatment.  And now- *sigh*- it's here!

Do you know what it's like to be so joyful that there are no words?  That's how I feel! I feel like simply falling on my face before God and crying out in thanksgiving.  I feel at peace. I feel in awe. I feel so LOVED!  I truly believe this is an example of God's perfect timing.  If my surgery had happened even as early as a month ago, I would not be plugged into an awesome church that I now have people that will pray for me and help me with things that I need.  If it happened right when I went out of work, I would have never gotten to know Mary Kay and all the wonderful women who have brought me to a place of happiness and goal-oriented enthusiasm!  If it happened before this summer, I would have never gotten into a bible study that brought me back to the heart of the Lord.  Now- it is time.  I am more spiritually and emotionally ready than I have ever been.  I'm a strong vessel for the Lord to use….

I cannot wait to be physically humbled by surgery because I know God has an INCREDIBLE plan for my downtime.  I was praying out loud today and I truly believe that He's going to show-off and do amazing things when I'm recovering.  I believe He is going to use me in ridiculous ways to glorify His name! I believe He is going to renew me in so many ways that will only strengthen my testimony and my love for Him….may He use my struggle to bring others to His kingdom! He is SO good!

There are too many people to thank for their support during this entire ordeal….so I will thank you all because if you are reading this, you have either thought about me, prayed for me, or supported me in some way, shape, or form.  NEVER underestimate the power of prayer!  That one little prayer you said for me 6 months ago MADE a difference! BELIEVE that!!! So thank you to the village for all you are…and thanks be to my heavenly Father who loves me and only wants the best for me!!

Let's get this surgery underway so God can continue to use me in wondrous ways!

(I was going to end the blog with that last sentence, but I felt it laid on my heart that many people reading this might not believe or agree what I'm saying when I give God all the credit for what is happening in my life.  If you are one of those people, I would love to talk to you about why I believe that.  I don't want to force my religion down your throat or judge you for your beliefs if they're different than mine, but I DO want to share with you how I KNOW that God is real and active in my life.  Please give me the honor of sharing that with you!)

End Domestic Violence

If you've been on my Facebook page at all in the past few days (you got here from it so scroll down a little), you've seen my posts regarding the Mary Kay Foundation.  Mary Kay is giving $1 from every lip gloss sold to this foundation which not only helps provide funds for women's cancer research, but also to put an end to domestic violence. Let me write it this way….DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

Statistics are hard to get regarding how many women, children, and even men are in abusive relationships in their very own homes.  It's a secretive world of fear, anxiety, depression, and anger.  According to the National Census of Domestic Violence Services, 67,399 victims were reported on September 15, 2011….ONE DAY! Almost 70, 000 incidents! Who knows how many of those ended in death, or worse, how many of those victims went back to their abuser. That's where you can help make a difference.  That's where you can help save lives.

This is a subject near and dear to my heart.  A wonderful friend of mine, we'll call her Jenna, was in an abusive relationship for a couple of years.  She came close to dying on an occasion or two because of the forceful nature of the abuse.  The abuse was ALWAYS (and this is a typical response from abusers) followed by tears from her spouse and how he would never do it again.  Ladies- if he hits you once, he WILL hit you again. Period.  I'm so very proud of Jenna for getting out before it was too late.  She has a heart of courage that most victims do not.  Most victims actually continue to stay with their abuser and make excuses for why they are being abused.  Remember- abuse can be emotional, verbal, or physical. All are as equally devastating and dangerous.

I have committed to matching Mary Kay by putting $1 of my profit from any lip gloss sold until September 15, and making a donation to The Mary Kay Foundation.  I have also decided to take it a step farther and take monetary donations for those who would prefer to not buy any makeup or skin care products, but still feel inclined to help make a difference.  I will also ask from now until September 15th, with every order that I receive, how much you would like to be donated to TMKF.  Mmmmmmk, let's think about this.  I'm not working and receive VERY little from week to week.  Bills are always overdue and the good Lord always provides.  I tithe my disability check even though some say I don't need to because I'm out of a job, but I feel it's what God wants from me.  He will worry about the rest.  Now I'm stepping out on faith again- I'm giving control to God with my finances and you can help to determine how much of a difference we make for this cause.  Truly, my heart wants nothing more than to be the #1 giver to this foundation.  God will provide.  He always has.  But I want everyone to know that if I can give up some money that many would argue should be going other places, then YOU CAN TOO.

Put your money where your lip gloss is, ladies.  Who knows when your dollar will be the one that gets a woman OUT.  Your dollar will help her regain her life instead of a coffin. Let's all take a step out in faith and make a difference.  I'm committing….will you?

www.marykay.com/echinlund or dukethedane@gmail.com

Another late night/early morning post..

WHY in the world am I up at 4:57 am?! Even with all my meds AND extra phenergan on board for nausea, I'm STILL awake.  Was it the crazy amount of Salt and Vinegar popcorn mixed with Sweet Dill popcorn from the Popcorn Fanatic that I ate? Or maybe those Junior mints at the movie theatre…..Hm. Can't blame Diet Dew because we are now stocking caffeine free ones just for bedtime, plus I've been drinking water like a camel.  Remember that crazy amount of popcorn? Imagine the sodium plus water retention on a 98lb girl. Basically I looked like I was 6 months pregnant (yes- I did pooch out in the picture for giggles sake), but thankfully I've peed my way back to a good 16 weeks or so. Hoping to be unfertilized by morning…or whenever I wake up/go to sleep/whichever comes quickest.

Today (I'm speaking as if it's still Monday, k? Thanks.) was a big day for me and my village of supporters.  After MONTHS of battling with insurance not agreeing to pay for my surgery, my doc wanting a spinal fusion when it seems like a million were going with a vertebroplasty, and then the vertebroplasty doc saying "HECK NO"- we finally arrived at August 27th.  Today was the day that a little over a month ago I was told was my only chance at overturning all my denials from my insurance company- but I would have to get an agreeing opinion with my primary neurosurgeon.  It seemed like forever, but it really wasn't.  It's the waiting that gets you…we had been bombarded for MONTHS with new information every day it seemed like, so having 6 weeks to wait for an appointment seemed ridiculous.  When really, I made myself busy and a productive member of society over the past month or so and I've quite enjoyed it.

Anyway- HOORAY! The surgeon agreed with my surgeon! He took a look at my MRI and films and gave me a thorough exam and definitely thinks long-term internal stabilization of my spine (aka a spinal fusion) would dramatically decrease my pain.  He showed me all the things I already knew….my crazy looking, wedge shaped vertebra.  My herniating disc that really isn't there any more.  The crumbling top corner of the wedge. But he also showed what could possibly be a torn ligament or some type of soft tissue damage right at the level of L1.  Basically, the pain could be from all of the above.  Since external braces atrophy your core muscles long-term (yup- know all about it), he thinks fusion as well.  For kicks and giggles, Trav asked him sarcastically, "So would you have ever recommended a vertebroplasty?" since that was the alternative remedy every other surgeon suggested.  He said, "If you were a month out- yeah. But a year and a half, no way! It wouldn't do a darn thing for you even IF you could get cement in there." Thank the dear Lord above for someone else with common sense.  To make those disagreeing docs feel better, he didn't COMPLETELY diss you.  He just said you were scared to take the more invasive route, but I simply am not a candidate….I could have told you that 6 months ago, but nooooo- no one listen to the patient or her neurosurgeon.

So let the celebration ensue!?!?!? Not yet folks- we still have to see if this opinion actually IS enough to overturn my MANY appeals and see if insurance will cover the surgery.  The appeal process is extremely stressful and it's what I dealt with every.single.day this summer that truly put me into one of the worst depressions of my life.  Thank goodness the good Lord brought me out of that dark place and I am now happy and 90% worry-free! I know it should be 100%, but I'm not perfect…so sue me. But what's great is that I have a true peace about this opinion.  All the other times I had this sense of dread while others celebrated simply because by now, I've learned not to get my hopes up.  This time, I'm just not worried about what the answer will be.

Now don't get me wrong- I WANT this surgery.  I WANT to go back to living a NORMAL and extremely ACTIVE life.  But I've also come to find great peace in letting God have the reins and just "being".  We don't know whether I'll be in a hospital bed in a month or still at this very spot, but I do know that timing is never a coincidence.  This whole thing has been on the Lord's watch and I am so very grateful for His perfect timing…For example: Travis is out of school and the MCAT is over. He is free for the next year! For the first time since we got married, Trav and I are getting to spend entire days together and enjoy each other again, just like when we were dating.  I also was able to find a FABULOUS home church and started serving on only my third week there.  I wouldn't have been going to Journey Church if I had already had my spinal fusion and "life" had picked back up.  There are just so many blessings that have been poured out to us during this time of waiting.  It was hard- I won't lie.  I tell everyone how I stayed in bed for DAYS, and cried for what seemed like weeks on end.  I also remember crying out to God, "Oh God, why have you forsaken me!?!?"….He never left me. I was in His hand all along and He showed me that it's the safest place for me. Can I get an "Amen" for God's perfect timing?!

Now speaking of God's perfect timing- honestly- I was halfway expecting to not get my surgery in time to go back to work before my medical leave runs out.  With this news, best case scenario is that I get my surgery ASAP and can take plenty of time to fully recover before returning to work.  Honestly, while I'm PUMPED about getting back to being active, I've actually ENJOYED seeing all the things God has created for me and put visions in my heart about.  I just thought that I would accomplish them before surgery, if there ever was a surgery.  So I need to not change my vision, but just change the date to His…day by day. inch by inch. little by little. He has not forsaken me.

I honestly ALSO have to say that while I am still in a LOT of pain, I'm kind of used to it.  It's a bummer and a total mood killer sometimes, but I kind of accepted it as a part of life and learned to keep going through it somehow.  But it's time for a giant leap into getting me back once and for all…and that means having to yet again, humble myself and my body and allow for healing to take place.  After being so active and on lower amounts of pain meds, I am not looking forward to being laid up again OR the meds that make me amusing to strangers.  I'll need to hire someone to make all my MK referral calls for me so customers won't think a drunkard is trying to give them a free facial.  Last time, I was sideswiped and put in bed for a month with a devastating diagnosis, regardless of my ability to feel and walk.  It was mentally and emotionally devastating.  It changed me to my core.  This experience has also.  I'm starting now, and I'd appreciate you all to do the same, to pray for God to speak to me in INCREDIBLE ways when I'm down and out.  Let it be a time where I'm FORCED to be still and rest, and learn from my Healer!  He has rained down His storehouses upon us with blessing after blessing, even if we have to balance our checkbook before going to Chickfila.  Travis and I just feel so rich in LOVE, and in favor abounding!  I gladly tithe my disability check….God is good and He has provided and will continually do so.  Glory.

What is to come: First we should know by the end of the week if insurance will approve the surgery or not.  If so, we will schedule surgery ASAP which all depends on OR and surgeon availability.  If not, then we continue to wander down a path that only leads somewhere where we all end up fine.  I will not be forsaken…I've been promised.

  I know many people still question if I should just suck it up and deal with the pain and not go through such an invasive surgery so I'd like to reassure some of you with facts.  First off- in the world of spinal fusions, this sucker is a cinch.  It will be only to the vertebrae above and below my fracture, making it trilevel.  It will also probably be done with screws and not rods (no, I won't go off in the airport security  booth. Bummer I know.).  So I will not lose a ton of my mobility.  I also have been given hope of living a completely normal ACTIVE lifestyle afterwards and with a longer recovery period. I'll be able to start working in the PICU when I feel up to it, rather than running out of disability leave time.  I'll be riding in 6-12 months, running, lifting weights and doing all the things I love to do and haven't been able to do.  I'll be released to start jogging probably about the time that I should start training for Shut-In next year (since I've missed it these past two when I've wanted to enter), so Dad- you have to keep racing until I can be there to cross that finish line at the top of Mount Pisgah WITH you! I will also be able, barring the surgery is a success, to get off ALL prescribed pain meds and just take tylenol when needed.  WOOHOO! How huge is that!?!?! And finally- I'm well informed and I trust my doctors.  If you don't agree with me having surgery, that's okay.  You have your own experiences that make you want to avoid them at all cost, but for me- this could give me my life back.  Please don't take away my joy in that.

Oh vey- that was long. See- somewhere between the smiles and celebrations and worry and tears, there is a plan.  And that plan is better than mine.  Always has been and always will be.  Let's rock and roll….

I admit it. I'm guilty. I was totally blog stalking my HS friend's fab blog when I saw this questionnaire.  I thought to myself, "Eureka! What a brilliant idea!"…My inner conscious mind was really saying, "I haven't figured out how to not offend people with any of my other blog ideas so this looks like a good deterrent." And since my last two blogs were 25 things about me and then 25 things about Travo-bo-babo, this might be a good way to wrap up our self-absorbed blog posts and then finally get on to more important things in the world.  But really, it's proven that people love talking about themselves and I am certainly no exception. Anyone who knows me, knows that. So keep calm and read on if you feel so inclined….

MINE

I Am…currently feeling under the weather with a sore throat, extreme fatigue, and malaise. Basically- I feel rotten on top of my normal feeling rotten.

I Want…a pair of Louboutins.  ERRRMAHGERRRRD! I WILL one day have the Filo's…in black and nude. I don't need a lecture on how ridiculous the price is…I know. Let me want, okay?

I Have…THE best husband in the world! I know that every wife says that, but they're not married to Travis Young, thus, they speak lies when they say that phrase. No seriously, Travis really is the best. NO- he really is. There is no room for compromise on this one, folks.

I Wish…I had millions of dollars to give to the ASPCA commercials with the Sarah McLaughlin music in the background. I have to turn the channel every time because those eyes of the dogs and cats make me cry…okay- we need to stop talking about it now. sniff. 

I Hate…satan. And how he torments people I love, including myself. I know that we have victory over him in Christ, but I can still admit that it sucks and some things are harder than quoting verses out loud. If it was 'easy', then every Christian everywhere would be SINLESS and there would be no need for what Jesus did for us on the cross.  There is nothing 'easy' about grace and how we received it. Ask Jesus…He's the one that died for you.

I Fear…the unknown feeling of being happy with my body. Sad, I know. But if we were all honest, how many women would say that they love themselves and their body? Yeah- that's what I thought. I've never known that feeling either, thus, it's a little scary (actually, freaking TERRIFYING) to give up my pseudo-control and work on that. "Here Liz! Go eat this double cheeseburger and milkshake and fries!"….yeah right. 

I Hear…the sweet sweet sound of our washing machine and dryer.  I cannot do laundry because of all the bending and lifting it involves, thus, it falls on the shoulders of (let's say it in unison) "The Best Husband In The World". And he does it without complaint. You can say the phrase again if you like. 

I Search…awesome steals and deals everywhere I go. Thou shalt never pay full price. It's my 11th commandment. And just like I definitely break some of the 10 commandments, I'll break this one when the 'oh-happy-day' comes where I can easily afford those red soles….the hallelujah chorus will also begin to play wherever I walk and everyone I pass will stand in reverence to the amazing shoes that just rocked their world by passing them by.  

I Wonder…what God has in store for Travo and I. I know that it's something great and bigger than I could ever imagine, and I love to ponder what's to come.  I CANNOT WAIT!

I Regret…letting people's opinions control so much of my life and my happiness. 

I Love…that I have a stronger bond with my horse than many people who ride every single day.  There's no doubt that Swayze knows I'm "his person" and in his own animalistic way, he gets "it". 

I Ache…every. single. day. Hello vertebral fracture. Maybe I should have more sympathy for people with back pain since it's a part of my every day life, but really I don't.  For some crazy reason, I believe that my pain supersedes theirs and they don't have room to complain.  Wrong, I know- but I never said I was a perfect person. 

I Always…worry and don't allow God to take away my anxiety.  He even says, "Be anxious for nothing!" and what do I do? Yeah- I worry. I scratch my head until it bleeds because I worry so much. I'm pretty stinking sure that's not in His plan for me.

I Usually…cry when I'm angry and frustrated, not when I'm sad. Wait, no, I cry when I'm sad too…I'm just usually more angry and frustrated over things.

I Am Not…perfect, nor will I ever be. So why do we place such a high standard for people TO be perfect? Why do we expect perfect bodies, perfect lives, perfect jobs, perfect EVERYTHING when we know it's unattainable? The only perfect person to ever live died for us. 

I Dance…in the car when I'm listening to my Glee station on Pandora. Don't hate.

I Sing…NEVER! Maybe at church…but seriously- small animals run for cover when I open my mouth in an attempt at harmony, or something of the sort.

I Never…want to think about the day that one of my pets or family members will go see Jesus.  I change the subject quickly. Like now.

I Rarely…have a morning where I don't wake up to an ice cold Diet Mountain Dew.  When Trav or I are lying in bed and we say, "Do me"…it really means, "Dew me" and please go get a diet dew because otherwise, I'll never wake up. 

I Cry…didn't we already answer this?

I Am Not Always…happy. SHOCKER! I know. You would think from my crazy-high-pitched greetings and my typical stride being a skip, that I'm ALWAYS happy. Nope. Believe it or not, I'm human and have highs and lows. So sue me. 

I Lose…all sense of reason when there is something sparkly and shiny. OOOH where!?!?!

I'm Confused…how anyone could possibly truly believe what the republican candidates stand for. I'm all about agreeing to disagree for the protection of friendships, familial relationships, and even from relationships and conversation going sour- HOWEVER, in my mind I think you're an idiot. Just saying.

I Need…to become a director with Mary Kay and earn a pink cadillac so that Trav can be my "Caddy Daddy" ;)

I Should…really stop writing blogs. I could be so much more productive with something that actually makes a difference if I didn't type these things and think people actually cared. I read some blogs and say, "Why do they think anyone wants to even read this crap?"….yeah- well I know the same is true for this one.

HIS

(Trav's original version was not PG rated and revolved around special moments between a wife and her husband. Now on to round 2.)

I Am…amazing. Everything my wife said about me- true.

I Want…to catch every fish in the stream. And on those rare occasions where I catch no fish, it is a sad day. A sad day indeed.

I Have…a booger. No wait- I have….I have…a fragile and sensitive, big ass dog. He'll eat you. For real.

I Wish…I was clever enough to think of a joke right now, but nothing. So I wish everyone would know about Jesus. Good enough.

I Hate…the MCAT. It is a god-awful test designed by the devil to devour the souls of innocent pre-med students who simply want to do good in the world. Seriously, the MCAT needs to die a slow, painful, tortuous, death…it should take the MCAT the same amount of time to be killed as I spent studying for it. Stupid MCAT.

I Fear…the MCAT no mo!

I Hear…I don't hear anything. Am I deaf?

I Search…for fish. We've been over this. I love catching fish.

I Wonder…if there's a bigger fish in the next hole down the stream.

I Regret…the stupid fish that got off. I swear he was the biggest fish you've ever seen. He might have been able to eat Duke.

I Love…my beautiful, wonderful, amazing wife. (Liz: I didn't put him up to that, folks!)

I Ache…every morning when I wake up. Should it physically hurt to wake up in the mornings? That's why I put it off to the afternoon whenever possible.

I Always…shake it twice. Three times and you're playing with yourself. (Liz: ughhhhhhhh.Trav!)

I Usually…don't take anything seriously. Like this list.

I Am Not…afraid of the gospel Lord! The power, Your love to save my soul now I'm alive in You. It's a song B.T.Dubs.

I Dance…I really don't. But on the off chance you did see me, it's probably a slow song.

I Sing…in the shower. Rub a dub dub in da tub.

I Never…fart underneath the covers and hold my wife's head under while I laugh hysterically. It's never happened. Ever. (Liz: BOLD FACE LIE!!!!!)

I Rarely…shart. It has happened on a few occasions, hence rarely. However, when I do shart, it's in front of a room full of people and on the floor with a 5 pound Yorkie lapping it up. Wear underwear. You let me down.

I Cry…at the end of every summer when watermelons are gone. It's a sad day.

I Am Not Always…serious. Obviously.

I Lose…control when I see my wife's rocking body. (Liz: What do you want? Why are you sucking up?)

I'm Confused….never. I'm a genius. Norman Einstein has nothing on me.

I Need…cookie cake. My achilles heel of fitness. 

I Should…stop doing this list and go get cookie cake. Or fish. But it's midnight, so cookie cake it is.

25 Things About Travo!

Mwahahahahaha- when the husband is away, the wife plays!…on the blog that is.  As a follow-up to my post last night, I will now do 25 things about my hubster.  Surprise, Travis!!

1. Travis played on the U-16 US National Soccer team, traveling all around Europe to play.  He also was a Division 1 NCAA athlete and has numerous accolades for his amazing talent.  Basically- he's ridiculously good at soccer and when he joins an adult league, they will realize that he's out of THEIR league.
2. Travis likes to take showers with all the doors closed in our tiny bathroom and no fan on.  He wants it to be like a sauna.  Not only that, but he's in there A MINIMUM of 30 minutes…I hate steam rooms and long showers. Doesn't work out too well.
3. Even though he has a bachelors degree in business, the Lord told him to be a doctor and so we've stepped out in faith and he's currently applying for next year! Join us in prayer for him to get into Wake…
4. You know how people say there is no such thing as love at first sight? Well then they obviously have never heard the story of how Travis and I met.  We both knew within our first meeting that God was telling us that we were sitting next to our future spouse.
5. My wedding day was the happiest day of my life! Travis is an ultra-fine catch! Sometimes I look at him when he's sleeping or studying and say, "How in the world did this handsome man want ME?!?!?"
6. Travis is AMAZING around children.  Secretly, we're both excited about one day in the far future having kids. Not a secret anymore I guess.
7. He is a man of integrity! He was asked to go to a strip club for a bachelor party and immediately declined because he simply does not believe in it.  He also doesn't want to disrespect me. Love him.
8. Fly fishing is his outlet and his peaceful "Travis" time…he often takes Duke up to a great creek and the two boys spend the day together. I'm a wife that never says he can't go….he is WELCOME to go fishing whenever he wants!
9. He is not afraid to point out where and when I'm falling short of my calling from God…He's not afraid to hurt my superficial feelings, but in turn- he speaks LIFE into my life.
10. In family photos, you can't miss Trav. He looks EXACTLY the same as he did when he was 7! Even down to the six pack abs….Thank you Pam Young for giving him your genes.
11. When I was on bed rest after I broke my back, this man was in school full time AND working 40 hours a week.  During the 8 hours he should have been sleeping, he was waking up to give me meds, carry me to the toilet and bathe me. He serves me endlessly…
12. Travo is the cook in the marriage. I can't follow a recipe to save my life- but Trav, he has the natural ability to make up DELISH dishes with pure imagination. The charcoal legit grill I got him several years ago was the best Christmas present ever…it just keeps giving and giving and giving :)
13. Travis hates sleeping underneath a sheet so he folds it over onto my side so he can just be under the comforter. It makes me sad when I try to find him and get all wrapped up in the sheet.
14. The Lord has supernaturally blessed Travis with the gifts of discernment and He truly has  healing hands.  He LOVES lay hands on people and praying for them….he's seen lives healed and hearts mended. I have no doubt God will stand in front of Travis and say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant".
15.  While he grew up in an EXTREMELY conservative household, I have turned him into a democrat.  We're actually personally moderate but socially democratic. I'm super lucky to have a husband that agrees with my political beliefs.
16.  My mom once told her friends when they were asking about my 'new boyfriend', "Well, it's kind of bad when your boyfriend is cuter than you".  He totally is. YUM!
17. He totally supports me in everything I do.  With MK, he gives me high fives every day! With Swayze, he wants nothing more than to get me back riding. With most everything- he supports me!
18.  He once had to tell his family, "Liz is my wife. 10 times out of 10, I WILL choose her over you." Talk about a faithful man…it encouraged me and made me feel loved.
20. He's not afraid to hurt my feelings, especially when I'm doing something bitchy. Instead of joining in, he calls me out on it. Big fat piece of humble pie.
21. Travis is good at EVERY SINGLE THING he does…soooooo not fair.
22. Let's face it. It takes someone very special to put up with me every single day. It's just a fact.
23. Trav is self-taught on acoustic guitar and his music that he's written himself will put me to sleep. I hope that our household is always full of his music.
24. He's quiet when you first meet him, but he'll win anyone over with time.  The man has a heart of gold and a heart for God. People are naturally attracted to him because of his peaceful and joyful demeanor.
25. We don't care that (God willing) we have 5 more years before he graduates med school (gotta get in first!) and another 3-5 for residency.  God told him he would be a doctor and that he will be.  Life is too short to not do something you love. As for Travis, he loves God and loves people- what a great match!

I could write a hundred more. Travis- I love you. You're my soulmate and I can't wait to be 90 years old, rocking on our wrap around porch looking over acres of pastures and horses. Oh- and with a trout stream nearby. We might be broke and our future may be up in the air, but our marriage has never been better nor stronger and it has ALL to do with my incredible husband!

I only wrote this to end my dry spell...

There are potentially between 20 and 445 billion topics that I've been rolling around in my mind to blog about.  I can talk to myself so eloquently in the car and think, "Hey- that would sound GREAT on my blog", but does it ever make it on this sucker- NOPE! Sure doesn't!

Sometimes I'm just NOT in a deep-thinking mood, nor do I want to write something profound.  Sometimes I just want to dance and jump up and down (bad idea with a fractured vertebra) and act a little ADD…So this is going to be exactly that; OPPOSITE of profound. It's going to be self-centered and narcissistic, but who knows- maybe someone finds my life interesting and will actually read this. I'm doing the oh-so-very-NOT-original 25 Facts about yourself. I hope you learn something…

1. Travis and I buy cookie cakes like their going out of style. We always look for the ones with the most icing. I cannot tell you how many we've bought with "Happy Birthday!" or "It's a BOY!" written on them with icing.
2. I'm a real SNOB when it comes to certain things- like jeans for instance.  I WILL not, let me repeat, WILL NOT buy jeans that are not a well known brand or designer.  (I do have one pair of jean leggings from Express- but that's different).
3.  I have somewhere around 12 pairs of designer denim ranging in size from super tiny 00 (23 Euro) up to 27 (US size 2-4).  I refuse to get rid of any of them even though I don't want to fit back into my larger ones.
4. I NEVER buy ANYTHING full price. TJ Maxx, Marshalls, Consignment shops…that's it. When I get asked to go the mall, I say, "WHY!!!?" You can find just as good of things at those shops and sometimes better. Hello- I bought a pair of Tory Burch flats for $11 one time…this system works.
5. I'm officially playing with lip color other than a neutral gloss. Travis hates it, but I love it. Life is too short to not feel anything but fabulous…and trust me- fun lipgloss color radiates confidence!
6. My biggest compliment I've ever received was from a friend FROM Wales who tells me I look just like Kate Middleton…I've been told that a few times and I'm flushed with excitement when they say it, but when a REAL LIVE Brit tells you that- it made me even more obsessed with the Duchess.
7. SPEAKING OF the Duchess of Cambridge- I chose dresses and outfits based on whether or not it's a "Kate" outfit or a "Pippa" outfit.
8. I totally and purposefully "Pippa'd" someone at their own wedding.  It's new lingo for stealing away the show from the bride. Slap my wrist I know…I didn't want to be there anyway so might as well.
9. I'm obsessed with the Daily Mail website out of the UK…all the up to date tabloid gossip and with more pictures than a magazine will give you. It's how I get all my trashy drama AS WELL as random knowledge.
10. I can eat an entire watermelon in one sitting. I weighed myself before and after one time. I gained over 6 pounds after the watermelon and then lost it by the morning. Too bad I was up every hour having to pee….
11. I have ridiculously strong feet and toes. I can take Trav's finger in my toes and he can't get it out now matter how hard he tries. I even flew a toy helicopter with my toes before and completed a perfect landing.
12. I have scheduled nap time when I'm out of work or it's a day off. My mother instilled an everyday nap time in me from an early age and I still take advantage of it.
13. I.HATE.COFFEE.
14. I love my husband dearly, but I still sleep with two stuffed animals. One is Keith, my monkey I received while I was in the hospital…he looks so worn out that people think it was a childhood toy- no,  I got it a year and half ago. My other is from birth…a dog that only has one eye (thus his name One Eye) and has had several of his limbs reattached multiple times.
15. My marriage is ROCKIN!!! I'm convinced that I have the most handsome, kind, Godly, smart, amazing man in the world…I genuinely feel sorry for all the girls that lost out on him because of me. Actually, no I don't. Sucks for you.
16. I don't think you can every have too many coats/jackets/blazers or shoes. You just can't.
17. My first commission check as a Red Jacket, DIQ, or Director in MK will be going towards a pair of classic closed-toe Louboutins.  Actually, two pairs. Same style- just one in black and one in nude. The red soul makes me hyperventilate.
18. I'm a liberal hippie…get over it. And if you say hurtful mean things about ANY person in office, I will defriend you in a heartbeat.  It IS possible peacefully agree to disagree.
19. Because of my back, I can't bend even slightly or my back will go out.  So lucky Trav- he has to do the dishes AND laundry AND vacuuming…now is that a great husband or what!?!
20. My jewelry collection would put Charming Charlie's to shame.  Most of them are costume jewelry handed down from my Grandmother and my great Aunt, and since I love to wear gaudy jewelry, it works out perfectly.
21. I love living with Trav behind my parents. It's nice to have them around and believe it or not, I really miss them when they go out of town.  It has its pro's and con's, but overall- it's been a HUGE blessing and fantastic set up.
22. I will not, never ever never, sell Swayze. Period. The end. He's not a pet- he's family and we don't ever get rid of family.
23. I have never had a male OR female beat me in having the loudest and strongest burp. Should I be proud of that? Hmmmmm…
24. I am HIGHLY competitive and motivated by a challenge.  If someone says I can't do something- I will work on it until I can. As my mom recently told me, "You don't have anything to worry about. You always manage to get your way someway, somehow".  I do whatever it takes to prove my haters wrong.
25. Call me old school- but I completely believe in submitting to your husband.  If he is acting towards you like Christ loved the church, you (as a wife) will find yourself wanting to serve him.  I never have to wonder where Trav's heart is- He loves God more than He loves me and that's the way it should be. Because of that, I happily serve and submit to his Godly wisdom.

26: Extra Credit: I could make friends with a brick. I've never met a stranger and will typically alarm people with my high energy and enthusiasm.  I also tend to hit some high octaves when I get excited.

There you go- fun things about me. I'm not ashamed of who I am and you shouldn't be either! STAND UP for how AMAZING you are! Until next time, xoxo.

I'm Baaaaaack!

This is going to be a little bit of a free flowing post…I have so many topics I WANT to write about (ex:  forgiveness (haven't forgotten ya, Nancy!), marriage, friendship, etc), but the only things on my mind are these lyrics:

"Nothing's gonna hold me back. No, nothing's gonna hold me back! Nothing's gonna hold me back!
My chains fell off, my heart was free! I'm alive to live for you! I'm alive to live for you!! Amazing love, how can it be?! You give everything for me! You give everything for me….everything."- Holding Nothing Back by Tim Hughes (can watch http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1i1JMkWTzq0 right here!)

My heart is REJOICING today! I have no other reason than I'm alive and I can see the beauty of Christ in my life!  As Beth Moore would say…my heart feels like it will thump out of my chest.  I'm truly living JOY!

I truly believe that for most of the time that I've been out of work and wading through all this insurance mess, I've felt pretty sorry for myself.  I would go in and out of the saying, "Oh, I know God has a plan and it will all be fine", but my life did not show those words.  I didn't say those words with JOY! Now I want to SHOUT- "MY INJURY AND DISABILITY HAS A PURPOSE ORDAINED BY THE LORD!!!! HE WILL RECEIVE GLORY!!! HALLELUJAH!!!!"  I walk with more of a skip in my step, I'm less worried about the measly amount of money disability provides, and I'm just more JOYFUL….and it's because of a God who is merciful and GOOD. Always.

So what's the change huh?  When did depresso Liz get back to her espresso self? (That was pretty good, wasn't it?) It's when I was reading one of my homework lessons for my bible study I'm a part of. We were reading the story when Peter and Saul are preaching in a town and get thrown into prison for ordering a demon out of a possessed girl.  As they sat in prison (this must be where the saying, "good friends don't bail you out of jail, they're in there with you'' came from) they didn't mope about their situation. They had also be beaten the crap out of and I'm sure they were scared they could very possibly die in there.  BUT! Instead of clambering in a corner, they start singing and praying!  The other prisoners listened as Peter and Saul WORSHIPED and it became a time of true fellowship!  God responded with a massive earthquake that crumbled the jail to pieces….instead of fleeing- like most would do if in that tough of a spot- they stayed!  The jailer came running through the rubble screaming, "Where is everyone?!?!" and Peter said, "Don't worry! No one is gone! We're all still right here!".  At that moment the jailer fell to his knees and asked Peter and Saul what he had to do to 'have what they have'…to know this Christ Jesus they spoke of.  The next day, the jailer and his entire family were baptized and Peter and Saul were set free…..

Great story..but a story is only that unless you put it to application.  For me, I saw it as- why am I struggling to get out of this prison?? Why am I so desperately trying to flee when I have NO IDEA what God has around the corner for me?!?!? What if He keeps me here 15 more years, but the Glory He receives from it changes the world?!? Instead of fleeing- let me PRAISE Him! He actually COMMANDS us to praise Him through trials for that is where He is made strong! It's where we can sing of His goodness and holiness for getting us through! Ever since then I've made a larger effort to truly rejoice in the Lord and my situation and not have so many ants in my pants because it's taking so long.  One thing is FOR CERTAIN- God keeps His promises and I cannot wait for the day that my story might possibly be something that brings someone into His kingdom for eternity. What more could anyone ask for?

Isn't that what we want from our lives? Not just a part of our life, but our entire livelihoods?  It's what I want from mine.  I think the Sidewalk Prophets say it best in their song 'Live Like That'…I'll leave you with the lyrics and hopefully one day I will actually write a blog at a decent hour during the day ;)

"Sometimes I think what will people say of me when I'm only just a memory; When I'm home where my soul belongs.
Was I love when no one else would show up? Was I Jesus to the least of us? Was my worship more than just a song?


I want to LIVE LIKE THAT! And give it all I have so that everything I say and do points to You!
If love is who I am, then this is where I'll stand. Recklessly abandoned, never holding back. I want to live like that. I want to live like that!


Am I proof that You are who You say You are?  That grace can really change a heart?  Do I live like Your love is true?
People pass, and even if they don't know my name, is there evidence that I've been changed? When they see me do they see You?……


I want to LIVE LIKE THAT! And give it all I have so that everything I say and do points to You! If love is who I am, then this is where I'll stand.  Recklessly abandoned, never holding back…I want to live like that!


I want to show the world the love You gave for me; I'm longing for the world to know the glory of the King.


I want to LIVE LIKE THAT! And give it all I have so that everything I say and do points to You! If love is who I am, then this is where I'll stand.  Recklessly abandoned, never holding back…I want to live like that!….I want to live like that…..I want to live like that."- Sidewalk Prophets

Rejected

Some of you may be reading this wondering- "Woah, I thought she made this private and I definitely didn't send her my email address so why the heck can I get to the blog?"…Well, I've made a defiant choice to keep my blog public.  You see, even though I had an incredible response to some of my other postings, I also had many REJECTIONS to those postings.  I had people very close to me practically demand that I make my blog private or take it down.  They were rejecting my feelings…rejecting my writings…rejecting these things that I had felt it on my heart to pour out.  They were rejecting ME.  It left me feeling vacant…not good enough…like I was just spit out!

I can't take credit for all I am about to write.  I'm in the middle of a Beth Moore bible study that I was invited to by Jennifer Craven and it's regarding the fruits of the Spirit.  After studying love, and what true agape love means, Beth focuses on rejection.  In her words, every time you try to love you will ALWAYS risk rejection.  This could be applied to a relationship, but for this particular circumstance, it was following my heart and what the Lord put before me (For God IS love)…I felt that I was called to bare my soul and in turn, I was able to love on people and they were able to love on me back.  But, there again, I had some that rejected what I said and told me that it wasn't anyone else's business and I shouldn't be putting myself out there like that.  For a long time, I wrestled with the rejection I was hearing vs. all the people that LOVED reading my truths.  The ones that knew they weren't alone.  The ones that were able to take hold of their own lives and be themselves for the first time! All these amazing stories vs. a couple of rejections….well crap! What do I do with that especially when those rejections wounded my heart...

Last night in Bible study it hit me.  Because I feel like I have an anointing to speak to peoples hearts, I am accepting the rejection, because who those people really are rejecting isn't me, it's Christ Himself.  I am choosing to follow and obey what I feel called to do.  Sometimes that means digging into things that aren't very pretty and they're uncomfortable and they're taboo- but hiding in the darkness doesn't allow life to enter.  And if I have people pitying me for things I've gone through, then by all means- go on with yourself.  In my weakness, HE is made strong.  For every struggle, He will be glorified! VICTORY has already been claimed and that is not going to change by a silly little blog….it was claimed when Jesus died on the cross for ALL of our baggage.  I'm just simply saying 'yes'! Lord- here are my pitfalls…I repent and I claim the forgiveness and healing You so freely give! I invite rejection because that means that I've been trying to love and follow the will of God, but no longer will I allow rejection to determine my footsteps.

Impromptu Pissed Off, Rant Off

OKAY- So I know yesterday I promised a blog about the freedom that I've found in releasing people from the bondage known as unforgiveness.  BUT- after seeing so many people that I love and respect wanting to, or actually having read, this book- I simply must interject. PS: 18 and older please. Explicit material discussed.

The book is called Fifty Shades of Grey by E L James.  It's a New York Times bestseller and is receiving a following like Harry Potter and Twilight, except the audience is women…young adult, middle aged, and so on.  It's a piece of erotic fiction based on a young woman who meets a manipulative billionaire who brings her into the world of bondage, control, and domination.  The chapters are filled with explicit sex scenes where this girl is no longer in control, yet this man is.

MMMMMMMMK- Lots of things wrong with this picture and I have no idea where to start.

 Let's begin:
One of the main things that bothers me about the premise of this book (I have not read it, nor ever intend to, and will question the motives of any of my girlfriends that would) is that it's basically porn…it's porn for women.  Men WATCH sexual movies, porn, whatever because they are visually stimulated.  Women are different…we're emotionally stimulated.  It's why books like Twilight and Nicholas Sparks receive so much attention…the love stories in them arouse our innate desire to be loved and romanced.  It's a desire that was put in us by God, but His purpose for that desire was to be fulfilled by Him and our husband…that's it.  Not Edward or Jacob.  Not Zac-freaking-Efron in The Lucky One or Noah in the Notebook. But by your husband.  Many women find themselves reading these books, swooning, and then subconsciously comparing the characters to their own husbands…their own flawed husbands (as we all are) don't stand a chance against the 'perfect' imaginary characters that will never know life outside the ink of a paperback. I was once talking to a friend who was rereading the Twilight series and even said something along the lines of, "I wish (my husband) was more like Edward"…I immediately told her to put the book down and I felt so very sorry for the standard that was set before her husband to 'measure up'.

We are also creatures who crave intimacy.  It was set forth in the garden of Eden when Adam and Eve were not scared to be naked in front of each other.  It was explicitly described in Song of Soloman…the perfect intimate relationship to be had between a husband and wife that was created by an intimate God.  What a beautiful thing!!!!

This intimacy is defiled by many things…sexual abuse, pornography addictions, adultery, the list goes on.   It can be a grueling thing to dig through the mess of a sinful world to truly experience the supernatural intimacy that God has created for us.  In fact, on a personal note- I am painstakingly working, praying, fasting every day to allow the Lord to heal my wounded heart from sexual abuse.  I cry out in prayer, my husband lays hands on me nightly and prays over our home, and we are crawling out of a pit so that one day we may experience intimacy the way God intended for it to happen.  Sometimes we're caught off guard and blessed by it and oh- the fragrance of the Lord is so sweet!  But this corrupt world has distorted what God intended to be beautiful, and sexual, and intimate, and intense into…well…a mess!

Books like this one, where women are caught up in the emotional intimate plot line are NOT what God intended for your sex life with your husband.  Many fans of the book would argue that they like that the male character in the book is 'in control' and 'dominating' over his female partner since they feel so out of control in their own lives…is that what true intimacy looks like?  I dare you, those that have read the book and consider themselves Christians, to compare the sexual scenes in 'FSOG' to Song of Soloman….I would guess they paint themselves in very different lights. I'll bet you my entire disability check on it….

"But I don't feel fulfilled in my intimate life with my spouse!" "But I like the way it grabs me into the book and I can't put it down!" Blah blah blah blah blah! Does it look like I give a flying flip about why you seem to enjoy this book….it's probably the same reasons a man looking at pornographic websites would give and if that was your husband, you would throw the computer out of the window.  Women- RESPECT your husbands enough to allow HIM to be the only one that enters the intimate atmosphere of your life like that.  Men view respect from their wives as love…They want to be respected. They need to be respected.  Respect the God who created a husband for you to love, and cherish, and be your spiritual leader.  He makes no mistake! As soon as you start reserving all intimacy (physical and emotional- yes I'm talking about that coworker you flirt with at lunch or freaking-ugly-Edward in Twilight) for your husband, while it may take work, you can also have a chance to experience love (and SEX) the way GOD wanted it to be.  And you can bet your bottom dollar it's more mind-blowing than any novel…He IS Lord of the universe and created the act, ya know.

 If something is lacking in that department, find out what it is….and WORK on it.  Marriage is work right?  I have spent years of my life terrified of intimacy because of what was done to me so many years ago.  I have prohibited my husband and I from experiencing God-driven intimacy….but we're working on it.  And not through sex driven images or novels or toys or other things.  But through fervent prayer, counseling, and communication.  I respect my husband enough to not resort to other means to become aroused and stuff away all my intimacy issues (that would be a lie, anyway)…and he respects me enough that when I tell him, "I'm anxious….I'm scared", he hugs me, holds me, and prays for God to come into our room and provide us comfort and rest.  That is a stark contrast to the domination and control displayed of the female in Fifty Shades of Grey and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what type of man most women would prefer.  In fact- for someone like I, who was a victim of sexual abuse where control was taken away from me, a book like this could be damaging to the core bring back past memories and instilling the fact that men will always have control in the bedroom.  What a horrid horrid painful lie…

I know that I've ranted in a completely random, non calculated manner…some of this makes no sense. But I just want to warn women of the harm that can occur with books like this.  It is the EXACT SAME THING has your husband disrespecting you through pornographic visualization.  If I'm the only one that sees the danger in this, then well then by God- I must be the only one with sense in the world.  But I have a hope and trust in the intimacy that God has promised me and my husband.  Not a hope in the world because the world will always fail you.

So put the book down.  Look at your amazing husband, father of your children, and your partner in life and choose HIM.  Besides, didn't you vow to choose him when you made those vows? Choose Him and choose him.  It will be the best thing you ever did for your relationship.

Woah Nelly!

Two evenings ago, when I pressed that publish button, I never expected the reaction that I received from my "Disease of Perfection" blog. In fact, the almost immediate comments, filling of my inbox, emails, and text messages took me by surprise….okay-lie- they kind of freaked me out a bit. I cried. I kicked. I wondered why the hell I ever did this. I refused to look at them throughout the day. I never, in a million years, would have thought that THAT many people would care what I had to say…

After I hurt my back, I got hundreds of "We love you, Liz!" comments and likewise for this post. That's not what brought me to my knees….but it was the vast multitudes of "I have the same feelings and have never had the guts to reveal them". "I've been in your shoes, but I've battled it alone". "I, too, can't seem to be perfect enough". "We are so alike in what we've been through and never even knew it"…..I have received close to one hundred responses, many of which are also girls that cry out with similar or the same issues that were brought out in the open the other day. (PS: I will personally get back to all of you soon! There are a lot of messages so it'll take me awhile…)

Let's forget about the whole, "You are so brave, courageous, bladdy bladdy blah" stuff. Was it courageous to press the publish button…No. I felt it put on my heart by God so I had a peace about it. But was it anxiety provoking when my iPhone acted like it was having seizures because of the responses? Uh- YEAH! Not that I really thought that someone would be like- "You anorexic whore that's still not thin enough! Idiot!"…ha- I just realized, "Oh crap…..I did this. People know. And I can't turn back."

That's the point. John 1:4-5 'What came into existence was Life, and the Life was LIGHT to live by. The Light blazed out the darkness; the darkness couldn't put it out." This verse was my heart when writing the last blog. The eating disorders, anxiety, and mess was the darkness that had been hidden away for so long…eating (no pun intended, even though it is kind of funny in a dark sense of humor) away at ever fiber of my being all while staying "secret". By bringing it OUT, out into the LIGHT, it can no longer retreat back into the dark. I might now start living the life intended for me because my demons are out of their comfort zone and into the Lord's light. God's light penetrates everything around it (For He IS the Light) and I'm so excited to bask in it in a more full way than ever before.

I also believe that the many girls who came to me with similar lives is a testament to how serious this Disease of Perfection is. It effects your daughter, mother, sister, boss, heck- even men in our lives feel immense pressure to be the perfect provider, man, lover, etc. So why are we keeping this quiet, and by doing so, giving it power?! I want, more than anything, to show that this is something WORTH talking about!

1 in 4 college-aged women engage in binging and purging (bulimia).

Over one HALF of girls and one THIRD of men resort to unhealthy weight control behaviors such as fasting, purging, vomiting, taxing laxatives, etc.

Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.

http://www.anad.org/get-information/about-eating-disorders/eating-disorders-statistics/

Now, do you think that's something worth talking about? Facts are- you either are or know someone who suffers from this disease (hellooooo- you are reading my blog). And this doesn't even delve into other symptoms of perfectionism such as anxiety disorder, panic disorder, depression, and OCD.

I'm here, taking a stand and saying "It's okay to talk about". The darkness will not control us any longer than we let it. Screw the stigma….I dare you to find one person in the world who doesn't have baggage they'd prefer to keep secret. So cast the first stone, hun. I'm a raggedy mess who doesn't have to climb out entirely on my own thanks to the grace of God (whole other blog post…or two…or eight).

Disease of Perfection

I've been wanting to write about this topic for awhile now, but have been unsure exactly how to put it into words. How do you verbalize something that penetrates your very being every moment of every day of every year since you can remember? How do you speak out about something with such a potent stigma, something so many will judge you for, look down upon you for, and even perpetuate the very thing that is destroying you internally. I don't really know…I don't really know a lot of things as this blog has made very clear, but I want to be clear and free from one thing- the disease of perfectionism.

I don't remember when my obsession with being perfect started. I remember going to the pool in middle school with a friend and realizing that she was in a cute little bikini and when I tried on one of her extras, I looked nothing like her. I remember being on instant messenger in middle school when an anonymous screen name bullied me, calling me fat and ugly with the blunt bangs that I had for as long as I remember. I guess it was middle school when I realized that people are different and the world isn't nice...if I wanted to survive, I needed to try harder. Of course, this perpetuated when I lost weight my sophomore year of high school and started receiving positive attention. Was that ever enough? Of course not....I had to be the best to avoid negative consequences. Best at the things I cared about- band, guard, appearances, grades, etc...Setting myself high expectations that could never be achieved. Setting myself up to fail. And there the cycle continues. I always strive to please the people I look up to. Pleasing others....what a fruitless effort. Of course- this thought process brought many accolades, awards, and positive attention that would make any parent gloat with pride. But inside- where was I? Inside that perky exterior was (and still is) someone screaming to just be "okay" with not being "perfect"....

Don't give me the lecture of "Jesus was the only one that was perfect and he died for you not being perfect and yada yada yada yada.....". That's nice and dandy and one that I, and many others, struggle to still whole heartedly surrender to. I'm just being honest about it. In fact, I've been burned by a Christian and 'leader' in a former home church that criticized me for not being able to totally give myself up to that. There's a lot of work to be done there.....I know that.

I don't know how far I want to delve into my symptoms of this disease. I call it a disease because it's something that I can't break on my own...It's something that will destroy my life if I continue down this road. I wonder if not diving into what I struggle with simply reflects my fear of what other people think....isn't that what I do while giving into perfectionism? Worrying about disappointing others? And if I don't go there- what worldly impact could this post ever make? What if there's someone out there who is just like me and thinks, "Wow- she has it all together" when the opposite is oh-so-true and I just hide it well.

I guess we'll go there- let the repercussions come as they may.

-I'm about to be a 25 year old who has spent 13 years of her life over a toilet, tupperware bowl, anything to get out the food that I just ingested because of the massive guilt it caused me.

-I am what the world would consider a beautiful girl and yet, all I can see is the "man face" that I was called over AOL instant messenger.

-I pretend I love food, but in fact- I dread meals and believe I'll never be thin enough.

-I was the child who was terrified to tell my parents things because I was scared I'd disappoint them.

-I was the new graduate nurse who was more scared of disappointing my preceptors and mentors than making some other type of mistake.

-I am a newlywed to the most handsome, loving husband in the world, yet can't love him properly because of a traumatic experience that happened to me with a former boyfriend.

-I am the girl who cried herself to sleep all through high school (in the midst of being president of our girl's club, a soloist in both band, symphony, and guard, national honor society, etc) and wished that life would just slip away from me.

-I have had panic attacks since high school that kept me from reaching my full potential in band and guard. Those same attacks plague me still.

-I'm lonely...oh-so-very lonely emotionally. It's not like people share this dirty laundry and I have someone who I can relate to.

-I am on anti-anxiety medication to keep me from hyperventilating during panic attacks that can last hours every single day. I disguise them as allergies or asthma.

-I am on an an anti-depressant medication and the only thing I can think about is how I hope it doesn't make me gain weight.

-I would be considered clinically depressed, having bulimia nervosa, anorexia nervosa, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety disorder.

-There's a part of me that doesn't want to get better (I told you I was going there....)

There she blows. Many of things not even those closest to me know, so I have a feel that there will be a lot of "LUUUUUUCY! YOU HAVE SOME 'SPLAININ TO DO!!!!" But, There I am- the ugly and dirty parts that people, especially Christians, try to hide with all their might. The parts that I HAVE HID for the majority of my life. I'm done hiding...I'm TIRED. I'm EXHAUSTED of hiding. I'm tired of LYING...isn't that what it is??

All of these things are kept 'mum' in Christian circles (or at least the unfortunate ones I've been in). I, for one, am pretty darned glad that Jesus hung out with prostitutes, tax collectors, lepers and the scums of society...if that's what all those things make me, then I guess I'll be the one washing His feet while those who keep quiet are in the kitchen. That's a pretty good deal it seems.

I don't need tons of comments with "self help" advice nor do I need pity. Lord- doesn't it seem like I have enough pity in my life as it is? I'm just trying to be honest and open and translucent. No one's life is as it seems from the outside. I've lost friends over this and I'm prepared to lose more. But my real ones- well they are treasures worth far more than gold. They know that really- I'm not that different than many other people out there and if we could all just love, and accept, and be kinder in our every day meetings- then maybe there wouldn't be the need to try and die to be perfect. All of us who are like me dream of the freedom that contentment would feel like…to me it seems like it would be like sea-mist spraying on my face. Flying perhaps? Maybe even galloping through a field with reckless abandon. I hope that one day this not-so-secret-anymore will be a stepping stone to something great…until then- I humble myself before the Lord and you all. And that's about all the strength I can muster and for once, I'm content with that being enough….

Step One: Admitting The Problem