WHY in the world am I up at 4:57 am?! Even with all my meds AND extra phenergan on board for nausea, I'm STILL awake. Was it the crazy amount of Salt and Vinegar popcorn mixed with Sweet Dill popcorn from the Popcorn Fanatic that I ate? Or maybe those Junior mints at the movie theatre…..Hm. Can't blame Diet Dew because we are now stocking caffeine free ones just for bedtime, plus I've been drinking water like a camel. Remember that crazy amount of popcorn? Imagine the sodium plus water retention on a 98lb girl. Basically I looked like I was 6 months pregnant (yes- I did pooch out in the picture for giggles sake), but thankfully I've peed my way back to a good 16 weeks or so. Hoping to be unfertilized by morning…or whenever I wake up/go to sleep/whichever comes quickest.
Today (I'm speaking as if it's still Monday, k? Thanks.) was a big day for me and my village of supporters. After MONTHS of battling with insurance not agreeing to pay for my surgery, my doc wanting a spinal fusion when it seems like a million were going with a vertebroplasty, and then the vertebroplasty doc saying "HECK NO"- we finally arrived at August 27th. Today was the day that a little over a month ago I was told was my only chance at overturning all my denials from my insurance company- but I would have to get an agreeing opinion with my primary neurosurgeon. It seemed like forever, but it really wasn't. It's the waiting that gets you…we had been bombarded for MONTHS with new information every day it seemed like, so having 6 weeks to wait for an appointment seemed ridiculous. When really, I made myself busy and a productive member of society over the past month or so and I've quite enjoyed it.
Anyway- HOORAY! The surgeon agreed with my surgeon! He took a look at my MRI and films and gave me a thorough exam and definitely thinks long-term internal stabilization of my spine (aka a spinal fusion) would dramatically decrease my pain. He showed me all the things I already knew….my crazy looking, wedge shaped vertebra. My herniating disc that really isn't there any more. The crumbling top corner of the wedge. But he also showed what could possibly be a torn ligament or some type of soft tissue damage right at the level of L1. Basically, the pain could be from all of the above. Since external braces atrophy your core muscles long-term (yup- know all about it), he thinks fusion as well. For kicks and giggles, Trav asked him sarcastically, "So would you have ever recommended a vertebroplasty?" since that was the alternative remedy every other surgeon suggested. He said, "If you were a month out- yeah. But a year and a half, no way! It wouldn't do a darn thing for you even IF you could get cement in there." Thank the dear Lord above for someone else with common sense. To make those disagreeing docs feel better, he didn't COMPLETELY diss you. He just said you were scared to take the more invasive route, but I simply am not a candidate….I could have told you that 6 months ago, but nooooo- no one listen to the patient or her neurosurgeon.
So let the celebration ensue!?!?!? Not yet folks- we still have to see if this opinion actually IS enough to overturn my MANY appeals and see if insurance will cover the surgery. The appeal process is extremely stressful and it's what I dealt with every.single.day this summer that truly put me into one of the worst depressions of my life. Thank goodness the good Lord brought me out of that dark place and I am now happy and 90% worry-free! I know it should be 100%, but I'm not perfect…so sue me. But what's great is that I have a true peace about this opinion. All the other times I had this sense of dread while others celebrated simply because by now, I've learned not to get my hopes up. This time, I'm just not worried about what the answer will be.
Now don't get me wrong- I WANT this surgery. I WANT to go back to living a NORMAL and extremely ACTIVE life. But I've also come to find great peace in letting God have the reins and just "being". We don't know whether I'll be in a hospital bed in a month or still at this very spot, but I do know that timing is never a coincidence. This whole thing has been on the Lord's watch and I am so very grateful for His perfect timing…For example: Travis is out of school and the MCAT is over. He is free for the next year! For the first time since we got married, Trav and I are getting to spend entire days together and enjoy each other again, just like when we were dating. I also was able to find a FABULOUS home church and started serving on only my third week there. I wouldn't have been going to Journey Church if I had already had my spinal fusion and "life" had picked back up. There are just so many blessings that have been poured out to us during this time of waiting. It was hard- I won't lie. I tell everyone how I stayed in bed for DAYS, and cried for what seemed like weeks on end. I also remember crying out to God, "Oh God, why have you forsaken me!?!?"….He never left me. I was in His hand all along and He showed me that it's the safest place for me. Can I get an "Amen" for God's perfect timing?!
Now speaking of God's perfect timing- honestly- I was halfway expecting to not get my surgery in time to go back to work before my medical leave runs out. With this news, best case scenario is that I get my surgery ASAP and can take plenty of time to fully recover before returning to work. Honestly, while I'm PUMPED about getting back to being active, I've actually ENJOYED seeing all the things God has created for me and put visions in my heart about. I just thought that I would accomplish them before surgery, if there ever was a surgery. So I need to not change my vision, but just change the date to His…day by day. inch by inch. little by little. He has not forsaken me.
I honestly ALSO have to say that while I am still in a LOT of pain, I'm kind of used to it. It's a bummer and a total mood killer sometimes, but I kind of accepted it as a part of life and learned to keep going through it somehow. But it's time for a giant leap into getting me back once and for all…and that means having to yet again, humble myself and my body and allow for healing to take place. After being so active and on lower amounts of pain meds, I am not looking forward to being laid up again OR the meds that make me amusing to strangers. I'll need to hire someone to make all my MK referral calls for me so customers won't think a drunkard is trying to give them a free facial. Last time, I was sideswiped and put in bed for a month with a devastating diagnosis, regardless of my ability to feel and walk. It was mentally and emotionally devastating. It changed me to my core. This experience has also. I'm starting now, and I'd appreciate you all to do the same, to pray for God to speak to me in INCREDIBLE ways when I'm down and out. Let it be a time where I'm FORCED to be still and rest, and learn from my Healer! He has rained down His storehouses upon us with blessing after blessing, even if we have to balance our checkbook before going to Chickfila. Travis and I just feel so rich in LOVE, and in favor abounding! I gladly tithe my disability check….God is good and He has provided and will continually do so. Glory.
What is to come: First we should know by the end of the week if insurance will approve the surgery or not. If so, we will schedule surgery ASAP which all depends on OR and surgeon availability. If not, then we continue to wander down a path that only leads somewhere where we all end up fine. I will not be forsaken…I've been promised.
I know many people still question if I should just suck it up and deal with the pain and not go through such an invasive surgery so I'd like to reassure some of you with facts. First off- in the world of spinal fusions, this sucker is a cinch. It will be only to the vertebrae above and below my fracture, making it trilevel. It will also probably be done with screws and not rods (no, I won't go off in the airport security booth. Bummer I know.). So I will not lose a ton of my mobility. I also have been given hope of living a completely normal ACTIVE lifestyle afterwards and with a longer recovery period. I'll be able to start working in the PICU when I feel up to it, rather than running out of disability leave time. I'll be riding in 6-12 months, running, lifting weights and doing all the things I love to do and haven't been able to do. I'll be released to start jogging probably about the time that I should start training for Shut-In next year (since I've missed it these past two when I've wanted to enter), so Dad- you have to keep racing until I can be there to cross that finish line at the top of Mount Pisgah WITH you! I will also be able, barring the surgery is a success, to get off ALL prescribed pain meds and just take tylenol when needed. WOOHOO! How huge is that!?!?! And finally- I'm well informed and I trust my doctors. If you don't agree with me having surgery, that's okay. You have your own experiences that make you want to avoid them at all cost, but for me- this could give me my life back. Please don't take away my joy in that.
Oh vey- that was long. See- somewhere between the smiles and celebrations and worry and tears, there is a plan. And that plan is better than mine. Always has been and always will be. Let's rock and roll….
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