Ch-ch-ch-changes

I've fallen onto the blogging bandwagon. I'm not quite sure if it's a good thing or not. Part of me simply wants an outlet with a cute background (which I haven't quite figured out how to make aesthetically pleasing). The other part of me figures, "I like reading other people's blogs. Maybe someone will read mine too!" Either way, and for better or worse, here I am.

I'm in the process of figuring out my life...again. I feel like I've done this a million times in the past year and a half. First, I married my Travis. It was the best thing I've ever done, but to say that it's a life change is an understatement. I could no longer identify myself as a selfish only child, but now a wife who was to lay down her life for her husband. Enough to give anyone a migraine and hemorrhoids at the same time. I'm not sure I've quite got this one mastered...

Then, on March 4th- my life changed drastically again. I fell off my horse during a trail ride and broke my back. I was in the hospital for a week, on bed rest for a month, using a walker for over a month, in a hard brace for three months, and out of work for over six months. Each one of those periods left me grasping for a sense of normalcy so I sort of reinvented myself every time. For example- a month is a long time to lay in bed and not be able to do anything for yourself. I went through a period of grief as I said goodbye to life as an independent PICU nurse and hello to being bedridden...having my husband bathe me and feed me became my new normal and eventually, after a period of depression, that became 'okay' with me. I slowly regained strength and learned to walk again, take care of myself, and such. But still, my normal was now within the confines of a brace, with activity restrictions to keep me safe and unharmed. I remember when my neurosurgeon told me I no longer needed to wear my brace. I cried for days...What was my new normal going to look like? I had just gotten used to my life as "the girl with the turtle shell" and had accepted it. Now I have to change?! AND you took away the thing that was supposed to keep me safe?!

I did get over it. I reinvented myself again. Now I subconsciously built myself a mental and emotional brace that I could wear to feel safe. I had activity restrictions that kept me from being able to work, ride, exercise, etc...but I had learned to deal with those. I had learned to be okay with them and accept them. This was me now.

Yesterday, everything changed again. I had my 6 month follow-up X-rays and received the news that everyone had waited for...all of my restrictions had been lifted. The outpouring of love and excitement from my friends and family was overwhelming...everyone was so excited! I have to admit to all of you; I am not. I feel like all of the braces I've built for myself have now been taken away and I'm being asked to return to my life the way it was "pre-accident". Newsflash- I will never be the way I was before the fall. Not physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. I know that there are certain things that must return back to "normal", such as going back to work and regaining an active lifestyle. But everything I know and have learned in the past 6 months is changing...I simply don't do well with change. I cried when my parents got a new dishwasher, so taking my entire life and turning it upside down for the millionth time isn't easy. I'm not quite sure what it's going to look like as I muddle through all the things that are now reopened to me. I'm pretty sure it's going to be messy and scary more than fun and exciting. In fact, I'm terrified of returning to work. Paralyzed with fear about the thought of riding again. Scared to death of what lies around the corner...I'm mortal now, or at least I realize it. So if I'm more timid and nervous than the Liz you once knew- please understand, I'm not quite sure who this Liz is going to be yet....I'll be sure to let you know when I figure it out.