Mwahahahahaha- when the husband is away, the wife plays!…on the blog that is. As a follow-up to my post last night, I will now do 25 things about my hubster. Surprise, Travis!!
1. Travis played on the U-16 US National Soccer team, traveling all around Europe to play. He also was a Division 1 NCAA athlete and has numerous accolades for his amazing talent. Basically- he's ridiculously good at soccer and when he joins an adult league, they will realize that he's out of THEIR league.
2. Travis likes to take showers with all the doors closed in our tiny bathroom and no fan on. He wants it to be like a sauna. Not only that, but he's in there A MINIMUM of 30 minutes…I hate steam rooms and long showers. Doesn't work out too well.
3. Even though he has a bachelors degree in business, the Lord told him to be a doctor and so we've stepped out in faith and he's currently applying for next year! Join us in prayer for him to get into Wake…
4. You know how people say there is no such thing as love at first sight? Well then they obviously have never heard the story of how Travis and I met. We both knew within our first meeting that God was telling us that we were sitting next to our future spouse.
5. My wedding day was the happiest day of my life! Travis is an ultra-fine catch! Sometimes I look at him when he's sleeping or studying and say, "How in the world did this handsome man want ME?!?!?"
6. Travis is AMAZING around children. Secretly, we're both excited about one day in the far future having kids. Not a secret anymore I guess.
7. He is a man of integrity! He was asked to go to a strip club for a bachelor party and immediately declined because he simply does not believe in it. He also doesn't want to disrespect me. Love him.
8. Fly fishing is his outlet and his peaceful "Travis" time…he often takes Duke up to a great creek and the two boys spend the day together. I'm a wife that never says he can't go….he is WELCOME to go fishing whenever he wants!
9. He is not afraid to point out where and when I'm falling short of my calling from God…He's not afraid to hurt my superficial feelings, but in turn- he speaks LIFE into my life.
10. In family photos, you can't miss Trav. He looks EXACTLY the same as he did when he was 7! Even down to the six pack abs….Thank you Pam Young for giving him your genes.
11. When I was on bed rest after I broke my back, this man was in school full time AND working 40 hours a week. During the 8 hours he should have been sleeping, he was waking up to give me meds, carry me to the toilet and bathe me. He serves me endlessly…
12. Travo is the cook in the marriage. I can't follow a recipe to save my life- but Trav, he has the natural ability to make up DELISH dishes with pure imagination. The charcoal legit grill I got him several years ago was the best Christmas present ever…it just keeps giving and giving and giving :)
13. Travis hates sleeping underneath a sheet so he folds it over onto my side so he can just be under the comforter. It makes me sad when I try to find him and get all wrapped up in the sheet.
14. The Lord has supernaturally blessed Travis with the gifts of discernment and He truly has healing hands. He LOVES lay hands on people and praying for them….he's seen lives healed and hearts mended. I have no doubt God will stand in front of Travis and say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant".
15. While he grew up in an EXTREMELY conservative household, I have turned him into a democrat. We're actually personally moderate but socially democratic. I'm super lucky to have a husband that agrees with my political beliefs.
16. My mom once told her friends when they were asking about my 'new boyfriend', "Well, it's kind of bad when your boyfriend is cuter than you". He totally is. YUM!
17. He totally supports me in everything I do. With MK, he gives me high fives every day! With Swayze, he wants nothing more than to get me back riding. With most everything- he supports me!
18. He once had to tell his family, "Liz is my wife. 10 times out of 10, I WILL choose her over you." Talk about a faithful man…it encouraged me and made me feel loved.
20. He's not afraid to hurt my feelings, especially when I'm doing something bitchy. Instead of joining in, he calls me out on it. Big fat piece of humble pie.
21. Travis is good at EVERY SINGLE THING he does…soooooo not fair.
22. Let's face it. It takes someone very special to put up with me every single day. It's just a fact.
23. Trav is self-taught on acoustic guitar and his music that he's written himself will put me to sleep. I hope that our household is always full of his music.
24. He's quiet when you first meet him, but he'll win anyone over with time. The man has a heart of gold and a heart for God. People are naturally attracted to him because of his peaceful and joyful demeanor.
25. We don't care that (God willing) we have 5 more years before he graduates med school (gotta get in first!) and another 3-5 for residency. God told him he would be a doctor and that he will be. Life is too short to not do something you love. As for Travis, he loves God and loves people- what a great match!
I could write a hundred more. Travis- I love you. You're my soulmate and I can't wait to be 90 years old, rocking on our wrap around porch looking over acres of pastures and horses. Oh- and with a trout stream nearby. We might be broke and our future may be up in the air, but our marriage has never been better nor stronger and it has ALL to do with my incredible husband!
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Friday, August 17, 2012
I only wrote this to end my dry spell...
There are potentially between 20 and 445 billion topics that I've been rolling around in my mind to blog about. I can talk to myself so eloquently in the car and think, "Hey- that would sound GREAT on my blog", but does it ever make it on this sucker- NOPE! Sure doesn't!
Sometimes I'm just NOT in a deep-thinking mood, nor do I want to write something profound. Sometimes I just want to dance and jump up and down (bad idea with a fractured vertebra) and act a little ADD…So this is going to be exactly that; OPPOSITE of profound. It's going to be self-centered and narcissistic, but who knows- maybe someone finds my life interesting and will actually read this. I'm doing the oh-so-very-NOT-original 25 Facts about yourself. I hope you learn something…
1. Travis and I buy cookie cakes like their going out of style. We always look for the ones with the most icing. I cannot tell you how many we've bought with "Happy Birthday!" or "It's a BOY!" written on them with icing.
2. I'm a real SNOB when it comes to certain things- like jeans for instance. I WILL not, let me repeat, WILL NOT buy jeans that are not a well known brand or designer. (I do have one pair of jean leggings from Express- but that's different).
3. I have somewhere around 12 pairs of designer denim ranging in size from super tiny 00 (23 Euro) up to 27 (US size 2-4). I refuse to get rid of any of them even though I don't want to fit back into my larger ones.
4. I NEVER buy ANYTHING full price. TJ Maxx, Marshalls, Consignment shops…that's it. When I get asked to go the mall, I say, "WHY!!!?" You can find just as good of things at those shops and sometimes better. Hello- I bought a pair of Tory Burch flats for $11 one time…this system works.
5. I'm officially playing with lip color other than a neutral gloss. Travis hates it, but I love it. Life is too short to not feel anything but fabulous…and trust me- fun lipgloss color radiates confidence!
6. My biggest compliment I've ever received was from a friend FROM Wales who tells me I look just like Kate Middleton…I've been told that a few times and I'm flushed with excitement when they say it, but when a REAL LIVE Brit tells you that- it made me even more obsessed with the Duchess.
7. SPEAKING OF the Duchess of Cambridge- I chose dresses and outfits based on whether or not it's a "Kate" outfit or a "Pippa" outfit.
8. I totally and purposefully "Pippa'd" someone at their own wedding. It's new lingo for stealing away the show from the bride. Slap my wrist I know…I didn't want to be there anyway so might as well.
9. I'm obsessed with the Daily Mail website out of the UK…all the up to date tabloid gossip and with more pictures than a magazine will give you. It's how I get all my trashy drama AS WELL as random knowledge.
10. I can eat an entire watermelon in one sitting. I weighed myself before and after one time. I gained over 6 pounds after the watermelon and then lost it by the morning. Too bad I was up every hour having to pee….
11. I have ridiculously strong feet and toes. I can take Trav's finger in my toes and he can't get it out now matter how hard he tries. I even flew a toy helicopter with my toes before and completed a perfect landing.
12. I have scheduled nap time when I'm out of work or it's a day off. My mother instilled an everyday nap time in me from an early age and I still take advantage of it.
13. I.HATE.COFFEE.
14. I love my husband dearly, but I still sleep with two stuffed animals. One is Keith, my monkey I received while I was in the hospital…he looks so worn out that people think it was a childhood toy- no, I got it a year and half ago. My other is from birth…a dog that only has one eye (thus his name One Eye) and has had several of his limbs reattached multiple times.
15. My marriage is ROCKIN!!! I'm convinced that I have the most handsome, kind, Godly, smart, amazing man in the world…I genuinely feel sorry for all the girls that lost out on him because of me. Actually, no I don't. Sucks for you.
16. I don't think you can every have too many coats/jackets/blazers or shoes. You just can't.
17. My first commission check as a Red Jacket, DIQ, or Director in MK will be going towards a pair of classic closed-toe Louboutins. Actually, two pairs. Same style- just one in black and one in nude. The red soul makes me hyperventilate.
18. I'm a liberal hippie…get over it. And if you say hurtful mean things about ANY person in office, I will defriend you in a heartbeat. It IS possible peacefully agree to disagree.
19. Because of my back, I can't bend even slightly or my back will go out. So lucky Trav- he has to do the dishes AND laundry AND vacuuming…now is that a great husband or what!?!
20. My jewelry collection would put Charming Charlie's to shame. Most of them are costume jewelry handed down from my Grandmother and my great Aunt, and since I love to wear gaudy jewelry, it works out perfectly.
21. I love living with Trav behind my parents. It's nice to have them around and believe it or not, I really miss them when they go out of town. It has its pro's and con's, but overall- it's been a HUGE blessing and fantastic set up.
22. I will not, never ever never, sell Swayze. Period. The end. He's not a pet- he's family and we don't ever get rid of family.
23. I have never had a male OR female beat me in having the loudest and strongest burp. Should I be proud of that? Hmmmmm…
24. I am HIGHLY competitive and motivated by a challenge. If someone says I can't do something- I will work on it until I can. As my mom recently told me, "You don't have anything to worry about. You always manage to get your way someway, somehow". I do whatever it takes to prove my haters wrong.
25. Call me old school- but I completely believe in submitting to your husband. If he is acting towards you like Christ loved the church, you (as a wife) will find yourself wanting to serve him. I never have to wonder where Trav's heart is- He loves God more than He loves me and that's the way it should be. Because of that, I happily serve and submit to his Godly wisdom.
26: Extra Credit: I could make friends with a brick. I've never met a stranger and will typically alarm people with my high energy and enthusiasm. I also tend to hit some high octaves when I get excited.
There you go- fun things about me. I'm not ashamed of who I am and you shouldn't be either! STAND UP for how AMAZING you are! Until next time, xoxo.
Sometimes I'm just NOT in a deep-thinking mood, nor do I want to write something profound. Sometimes I just want to dance and jump up and down (bad idea with a fractured vertebra) and act a little ADD…So this is going to be exactly that; OPPOSITE of profound. It's going to be self-centered and narcissistic, but who knows- maybe someone finds my life interesting and will actually read this. I'm doing the oh-so-very-NOT-original 25 Facts about yourself. I hope you learn something…
1. Travis and I buy cookie cakes like their going out of style. We always look for the ones with the most icing. I cannot tell you how many we've bought with "Happy Birthday!" or "It's a BOY!" written on them with icing.
2. I'm a real SNOB when it comes to certain things- like jeans for instance. I WILL not, let me repeat, WILL NOT buy jeans that are not a well known brand or designer. (I do have one pair of jean leggings from Express- but that's different).
3. I have somewhere around 12 pairs of designer denim ranging in size from super tiny 00 (23 Euro) up to 27 (US size 2-4). I refuse to get rid of any of them even though I don't want to fit back into my larger ones.
4. I NEVER buy ANYTHING full price. TJ Maxx, Marshalls, Consignment shops…that's it. When I get asked to go the mall, I say, "WHY!!!?" You can find just as good of things at those shops and sometimes better. Hello- I bought a pair of Tory Burch flats for $11 one time…this system works.
5. I'm officially playing with lip color other than a neutral gloss. Travis hates it, but I love it. Life is too short to not feel anything but fabulous…and trust me- fun lipgloss color radiates confidence!
6. My biggest compliment I've ever received was from a friend FROM Wales who tells me I look just like Kate Middleton…I've been told that a few times and I'm flushed with excitement when they say it, but when a REAL LIVE Brit tells you that- it made me even more obsessed with the Duchess.
7. SPEAKING OF the Duchess of Cambridge- I chose dresses and outfits based on whether or not it's a "Kate" outfit or a "Pippa" outfit.
8. I totally and purposefully "Pippa'd" someone at their own wedding. It's new lingo for stealing away the show from the bride. Slap my wrist I know…I didn't want to be there anyway so might as well.
9. I'm obsessed with the Daily Mail website out of the UK…all the up to date tabloid gossip and with more pictures than a magazine will give you. It's how I get all my trashy drama AS WELL as random knowledge.
10. I can eat an entire watermelon in one sitting. I weighed myself before and after one time. I gained over 6 pounds after the watermelon and then lost it by the morning. Too bad I was up every hour having to pee….
11. I have ridiculously strong feet and toes. I can take Trav's finger in my toes and he can't get it out now matter how hard he tries. I even flew a toy helicopter with my toes before and completed a perfect landing.
12. I have scheduled nap time when I'm out of work or it's a day off. My mother instilled an everyday nap time in me from an early age and I still take advantage of it.
13. I.HATE.COFFEE.
14. I love my husband dearly, but I still sleep with two stuffed animals. One is Keith, my monkey I received while I was in the hospital…he looks so worn out that people think it was a childhood toy- no, I got it a year and half ago. My other is from birth…a dog that only has one eye (thus his name One Eye) and has had several of his limbs reattached multiple times.
15. My marriage is ROCKIN!!! I'm convinced that I have the most handsome, kind, Godly, smart, amazing man in the world…I genuinely feel sorry for all the girls that lost out on him because of me. Actually, no I don't. Sucks for you.
16. I don't think you can every have too many coats/jackets/blazers or shoes. You just can't.
17. My first commission check as a Red Jacket, DIQ, or Director in MK will be going towards a pair of classic closed-toe Louboutins. Actually, two pairs. Same style- just one in black and one in nude. The red soul makes me hyperventilate.
18. I'm a liberal hippie…get over it. And if you say hurtful mean things about ANY person in office, I will defriend you in a heartbeat. It IS possible peacefully agree to disagree.
19. Because of my back, I can't bend even slightly or my back will go out. So lucky Trav- he has to do the dishes AND laundry AND vacuuming…now is that a great husband or what!?!
20. My jewelry collection would put Charming Charlie's to shame. Most of them are costume jewelry handed down from my Grandmother and my great Aunt, and since I love to wear gaudy jewelry, it works out perfectly.
21. I love living with Trav behind my parents. It's nice to have them around and believe it or not, I really miss them when they go out of town. It has its pro's and con's, but overall- it's been a HUGE blessing and fantastic set up.
22. I will not, never ever never, sell Swayze. Period. The end. He's not a pet- he's family and we don't ever get rid of family.
23. I have never had a male OR female beat me in having the loudest and strongest burp. Should I be proud of that? Hmmmmm…
24. I am HIGHLY competitive and motivated by a challenge. If someone says I can't do something- I will work on it until I can. As my mom recently told me, "You don't have anything to worry about. You always manage to get your way someway, somehow". I do whatever it takes to prove my haters wrong.
25. Call me old school- but I completely believe in submitting to your husband. If he is acting towards you like Christ loved the church, you (as a wife) will find yourself wanting to serve him. I never have to wonder where Trav's heart is- He loves God more than He loves me and that's the way it should be. Because of that, I happily serve and submit to his Godly wisdom.
26: Extra Credit: I could make friends with a brick. I've never met a stranger and will typically alarm people with my high energy and enthusiasm. I also tend to hit some high octaves when I get excited.
There you go- fun things about me. I'm not ashamed of who I am and you shouldn't be either! STAND UP for how AMAZING you are! Until next time, xoxo.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
I'm Baaaaaack!
This is going to be a little bit of a free flowing post…I have so many topics I WANT to write about (ex: forgiveness (haven't forgotten ya, Nancy!), marriage, friendship, etc), but the only things on my mind are these lyrics:
"Nothing's gonna hold me back. No, nothing's gonna hold me back! Nothing's gonna hold me back!
My chains fell off, my heart was free! I'm alive to live for you! I'm alive to live for you!! Amazing love, how can it be?! You give everything for me! You give everything for me….everything."- Holding Nothing Back by Tim Hughes (can watch http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1i1JMkWTzq0 right here!)
My heart is REJOICING today! I have no other reason than I'm alive and I can see the beauty of Christ in my life! As Beth Moore would say…my heart feels like it will thump out of my chest. I'm truly living JOY!
I truly believe that for most of the time that I've been out of work and wading through all this insurance mess, I've felt pretty sorry for myself. I would go in and out of the saying, "Oh, I know God has a plan and it will all be fine", but my life did not show those words. I didn't say those words with JOY! Now I want to SHOUT- "MY INJURY AND DISABILITY HAS A PURPOSE ORDAINED BY THE LORD!!!! HE WILL RECEIVE GLORY!!! HALLELUJAH!!!!" I walk with more of a skip in my step, I'm less worried about the measly amount of money disability provides, and I'm just more JOYFUL….and it's because of a God who is merciful and GOOD. Always.
So what's the change huh? When did depresso Liz get back to her espresso self? (That was pretty good, wasn't it?) It's when I was reading one of my homework lessons for my bible study I'm a part of. We were reading the story when Peter and Saul are preaching in a town and get thrown into prison for ordering a demon out of a possessed girl. As they sat in prison (this must be where the saying, "good friends don't bail you out of jail, they're in there with you'' came from) they didn't mope about their situation. They had also be beaten the crap out of and I'm sure they were scared they could very possibly die in there. BUT! Instead of clambering in a corner, they start singing and praying! The other prisoners listened as Peter and Saul WORSHIPED and it became a time of true fellowship! God responded with a massive earthquake that crumbled the jail to pieces….instead of fleeing- like most would do if in that tough of a spot- they stayed! The jailer came running through the rubble screaming, "Where is everyone?!?!" and Peter said, "Don't worry! No one is gone! We're all still right here!". At that moment the jailer fell to his knees and asked Peter and Saul what he had to do to 'have what they have'…to know this Christ Jesus they spoke of. The next day, the jailer and his entire family were baptized and Peter and Saul were set free…..
Great story..but a story is only that unless you put it to application. For me, I saw it as- why am I struggling to get out of this prison?? Why am I so desperately trying to flee when I have NO IDEA what God has around the corner for me?!?!? What if He keeps me here 15 more years, but the Glory He receives from it changes the world?!? Instead of fleeing- let me PRAISE Him! He actually COMMANDS us to praise Him through trials for that is where He is made strong! It's where we can sing of His goodness and holiness for getting us through! Ever since then I've made a larger effort to truly rejoice in the Lord and my situation and not have so many ants in my pants because it's taking so long. One thing is FOR CERTAIN- God keeps His promises and I cannot wait for the day that my story might possibly be something that brings someone into His kingdom for eternity. What more could anyone ask for?
Isn't that what we want from our lives? Not just a part of our life, but our entire livelihoods? It's what I want from mine. I think the Sidewalk Prophets say it best in their song 'Live Like That'…I'll leave you with the lyrics and hopefully one day I will actually write a blog at a decent hour during the day ;)
"Sometimes I think what will people say of me when I'm only just a memory; When I'm home where my soul belongs.
Was I love when no one else would show up? Was I Jesus to the least of us? Was my worship more than just a song?
I want to LIVE LIKE THAT! And give it all I have so that everything I say and do points to You!
If love is who I am, then this is where I'll stand. Recklessly abandoned, never holding back. I want to live like that. I want to live like that!
Am I proof that You are who You say You are? That grace can really change a heart? Do I live like Your love is true?
People pass, and even if they don't know my name, is there evidence that I've been changed? When they see me do they see You?……
I want to LIVE LIKE THAT! And give it all I have so that everything I say and do points to You! If love is who I am, then this is where I'll stand. Recklessly abandoned, never holding back…I want to live like that!
I want to show the world the love You gave for me; I'm longing for the world to know the glory of the King.
I want to LIVE LIKE THAT! And give it all I have so that everything I say and do points to You! If love is who I am, then this is where I'll stand. Recklessly abandoned, never holding back…I want to live like that!….I want to live like that…..I want to live like that."- Sidewalk Prophets
"Nothing's gonna hold me back. No, nothing's gonna hold me back! Nothing's gonna hold me back!
My chains fell off, my heart was free! I'm alive to live for you! I'm alive to live for you!! Amazing love, how can it be?! You give everything for me! You give everything for me….everything."- Holding Nothing Back by Tim Hughes (can watch http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1i1JMkWTzq0 right here!)
My heart is REJOICING today! I have no other reason than I'm alive and I can see the beauty of Christ in my life! As Beth Moore would say…my heart feels like it will thump out of my chest. I'm truly living JOY!
I truly believe that for most of the time that I've been out of work and wading through all this insurance mess, I've felt pretty sorry for myself. I would go in and out of the saying, "Oh, I know God has a plan and it will all be fine", but my life did not show those words. I didn't say those words with JOY! Now I want to SHOUT- "MY INJURY AND DISABILITY HAS A PURPOSE ORDAINED BY THE LORD!!!! HE WILL RECEIVE GLORY!!! HALLELUJAH!!!!" I walk with more of a skip in my step, I'm less worried about the measly amount of money disability provides, and I'm just more JOYFUL….and it's because of a God who is merciful and GOOD. Always.
So what's the change huh? When did depresso Liz get back to her espresso self? (That was pretty good, wasn't it?) It's when I was reading one of my homework lessons for my bible study I'm a part of. We were reading the story when Peter and Saul are preaching in a town and get thrown into prison for ordering a demon out of a possessed girl. As they sat in prison (this must be where the saying, "good friends don't bail you out of jail, they're in there with you'' came from) they didn't mope about their situation. They had also be beaten the crap out of and I'm sure they were scared they could very possibly die in there. BUT! Instead of clambering in a corner, they start singing and praying! The other prisoners listened as Peter and Saul WORSHIPED and it became a time of true fellowship! God responded with a massive earthquake that crumbled the jail to pieces….instead of fleeing- like most would do if in that tough of a spot- they stayed! The jailer came running through the rubble screaming, "Where is everyone?!?!" and Peter said, "Don't worry! No one is gone! We're all still right here!". At that moment the jailer fell to his knees and asked Peter and Saul what he had to do to 'have what they have'…to know this Christ Jesus they spoke of. The next day, the jailer and his entire family were baptized and Peter and Saul were set free…..
Great story..but a story is only that unless you put it to application. For me, I saw it as- why am I struggling to get out of this prison?? Why am I so desperately trying to flee when I have NO IDEA what God has around the corner for me?!?!? What if He keeps me here 15 more years, but the Glory He receives from it changes the world?!? Instead of fleeing- let me PRAISE Him! He actually COMMANDS us to praise Him through trials for that is where He is made strong! It's where we can sing of His goodness and holiness for getting us through! Ever since then I've made a larger effort to truly rejoice in the Lord and my situation and not have so many ants in my pants because it's taking so long. One thing is FOR CERTAIN- God keeps His promises and I cannot wait for the day that my story might possibly be something that brings someone into His kingdom for eternity. What more could anyone ask for?
Isn't that what we want from our lives? Not just a part of our life, but our entire livelihoods? It's what I want from mine. I think the Sidewalk Prophets say it best in their song 'Live Like That'…I'll leave you with the lyrics and hopefully one day I will actually write a blog at a decent hour during the day ;)
"Sometimes I think what will people say of me when I'm only just a memory; When I'm home where my soul belongs.
Was I love when no one else would show up? Was I Jesus to the least of us? Was my worship more than just a song?
I want to LIVE LIKE THAT! And give it all I have so that everything I say and do points to You!
If love is who I am, then this is where I'll stand. Recklessly abandoned, never holding back. I want to live like that. I want to live like that!
Am I proof that You are who You say You are? That grace can really change a heart? Do I live like Your love is true?
People pass, and even if they don't know my name, is there evidence that I've been changed? When they see me do they see You?……
I want to LIVE LIKE THAT! And give it all I have so that everything I say and do points to You! If love is who I am, then this is where I'll stand. Recklessly abandoned, never holding back…I want to live like that!
I want to show the world the love You gave for me; I'm longing for the world to know the glory of the King.
I want to LIVE LIKE THAT! And give it all I have so that everything I say and do points to You! If love is who I am, then this is where I'll stand. Recklessly abandoned, never holding back…I want to live like that!….I want to live like that…..I want to live like that."- Sidewalk Prophets
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Rejected
Some of you may be reading this wondering- "Woah, I thought she made this private and I definitely didn't send her my email address so why the heck can I get to the blog?"…Well, I've made a defiant choice to keep my blog public. You see, even though I had an incredible response to some of my other postings, I also had many REJECTIONS to those postings. I had people very close to me practically demand that I make my blog private or take it down. They were rejecting my feelings…rejecting my writings…rejecting these things that I had felt it on my heart to pour out. They were rejecting ME. It left me feeling vacant…not good enough…like I was just spit out!
I can't take credit for all I am about to write. I'm in the middle of a Beth Moore bible study that I was invited to by Jennifer Craven and it's regarding the fruits of the Spirit. After studying love, and what true agape love means, Beth focuses on rejection. In her words, every time you try to love you will ALWAYS risk rejection. This could be applied to a relationship, but for this particular circumstance, it was following my heart and what the Lord put before me (For God IS love)…I felt that I was called to bare my soul and in turn, I was able to love on people and they were able to love on me back. But, there again, I had some that rejected what I said and told me that it wasn't anyone else's business and I shouldn't be putting myself out there like that. For a long time, I wrestled with the rejection I was hearing vs. all the people that LOVED reading my truths. The ones that knew they weren't alone. The ones that were able to take hold of their own lives and be themselves for the first time! All these amazing stories vs. a couple of rejections….well crap! What do I do with that especially when those rejections wounded my heart...
Last night in Bible study it hit me. Because I feel like I have an anointing to speak to peoples hearts, I am accepting the rejection, because who those people really are rejecting isn't me, it's Christ Himself. I am choosing to follow and obey what I feel called to do. Sometimes that means digging into things that aren't very pretty and they're uncomfortable and they're taboo- but hiding in the darkness doesn't allow life to enter. And if I have people pitying me for things I've gone through, then by all means- go on with yourself. In my weakness, HE is made strong. For every struggle, He will be glorified! VICTORY has already been claimed and that is not going to change by a silly little blog….it was claimed when Jesus died on the cross for ALL of our baggage. I'm just simply saying 'yes'! Lord- here are my pitfalls…I repent and I claim the forgiveness and healing You so freely give! I invite rejection because that means that I've been trying to love and follow the will of God, but no longer will I allow rejection to determine my footsteps.
I can't take credit for all I am about to write. I'm in the middle of a Beth Moore bible study that I was invited to by Jennifer Craven and it's regarding the fruits of the Spirit. After studying love, and what true agape love means, Beth focuses on rejection. In her words, every time you try to love you will ALWAYS risk rejection. This could be applied to a relationship, but for this particular circumstance, it was following my heart and what the Lord put before me (For God IS love)…I felt that I was called to bare my soul and in turn, I was able to love on people and they were able to love on me back. But, there again, I had some that rejected what I said and told me that it wasn't anyone else's business and I shouldn't be putting myself out there like that. For a long time, I wrestled with the rejection I was hearing vs. all the people that LOVED reading my truths. The ones that knew they weren't alone. The ones that were able to take hold of their own lives and be themselves for the first time! All these amazing stories vs. a couple of rejections….well crap! What do I do with that especially when those rejections wounded my heart...
Last night in Bible study it hit me. Because I feel like I have an anointing to speak to peoples hearts, I am accepting the rejection, because who those people really are rejecting isn't me, it's Christ Himself. I am choosing to follow and obey what I feel called to do. Sometimes that means digging into things that aren't very pretty and they're uncomfortable and they're taboo- but hiding in the darkness doesn't allow life to enter. And if I have people pitying me for things I've gone through, then by all means- go on with yourself. In my weakness, HE is made strong. For every struggle, He will be glorified! VICTORY has already been claimed and that is not going to change by a silly little blog….it was claimed when Jesus died on the cross for ALL of our baggage. I'm just simply saying 'yes'! Lord- here are my pitfalls…I repent and I claim the forgiveness and healing You so freely give! I invite rejection because that means that I've been trying to love and follow the will of God, but no longer will I allow rejection to determine my footsteps.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Impromptu Pissed Off, Rant Off
OKAY- So I know yesterday I promised a blog about the freedom that I've found in releasing people from the bondage known as unforgiveness. BUT- after seeing so many people that I love and respect wanting to, or actually having read, this book- I simply must interject. PS: 18 and older please. Explicit material discussed.
The book is called Fifty Shades of Grey by E L James. It's a New York Times bestseller and is receiving a following like Harry Potter and Twilight, except the audience is women…young adult, middle aged, and so on. It's a piece of erotic fiction based on a young woman who meets a manipulative billionaire who brings her into the world of bondage, control, and domination. The chapters are filled with explicit sex scenes where this girl is no longer in control, yet this man is.
MMMMMMMMK- Lots of things wrong with this picture and I have no idea where to start.
Let's begin:
One of the main things that bothers me about the premise of this book (I have not read it, nor ever intend to, and will question the motives of any of my girlfriends that would) is that it's basically porn…it's porn for women. Men WATCH sexual movies, porn, whatever because they are visually stimulated. Women are different…we're emotionally stimulated. It's why books like Twilight and Nicholas Sparks receive so much attention…the love stories in them arouse our innate desire to be loved and romanced. It's a desire that was put in us by God, but His purpose for that desire was to be fulfilled by Him and our husband…that's it. Not Edward or Jacob. Not Zac-freaking-Efron in The Lucky One or Noah in the Notebook. But by your husband. Many women find themselves reading these books, swooning, and then subconsciously comparing the characters to their own husbands…their own flawed husbands (as we all are) don't stand a chance against the 'perfect' imaginary characters that will never know life outside the ink of a paperback. I was once talking to a friend who was rereading the Twilight series and even said something along the lines of, "I wish (my husband) was more like Edward"…I immediately told her to put the book down and I felt so very sorry for the standard that was set before her husband to 'measure up'.
We are also creatures who crave intimacy. It was set forth in the garden of Eden when Adam and Eve were not scared to be naked in front of each other. It was explicitly described in Song of Soloman…the perfect intimate relationship to be had between a husband and wife that was created by an intimate God. What a beautiful thing!!!!
This intimacy is defiled by many things…sexual abuse, pornography addictions, adultery, the list goes on. It can be a grueling thing to dig through the mess of a sinful world to truly experience the supernatural intimacy that God has created for us. In fact, on a personal note- I am painstakingly working, praying, fasting every day to allow the Lord to heal my wounded heart from sexual abuse. I cry out in prayer, my husband lays hands on me nightly and prays over our home, and we are crawling out of a pit so that one day we may experience intimacy the way God intended for it to happen. Sometimes we're caught off guard and blessed by it and oh- the fragrance of the Lord is so sweet! But this corrupt world has distorted what God intended to be beautiful, and sexual, and intimate, and intense into…well…a mess!
Books like this one, where women are caught up in the emotional intimate plot line are NOT what God intended for your sex life with your husband. Many fans of the book would argue that they like that the male character in the book is 'in control' and 'dominating' over his female partner since they feel so out of control in their own lives…is that what true intimacy looks like? I dare you, those that have read the book and consider themselves Christians, to compare the sexual scenes in 'FSOG' to Song of Soloman….I would guess they paint themselves in very different lights. I'll bet you my entire disability check on it….
"But I don't feel fulfilled in my intimate life with my spouse!" "But I like the way it grabs me into the book and I can't put it down!" Blah blah blah blah blah! Does it look like I give a flying flip about why you seem to enjoy this book….it's probably the same reasons a man looking at pornographic websites would give and if that was your husband, you would throw the computer out of the window. Women- RESPECT your husbands enough to allow HIM to be the only one that enters the intimate atmosphere of your life like that. Men view respect from their wives as love…They want to be respected. They need to be respected. Respect the God who created a husband for you to love, and cherish, and be your spiritual leader. He makes no mistake! As soon as you start reserving all intimacy (physical and emotional- yes I'm talking about that coworker you flirt with at lunch or freaking-ugly-Edward in Twilight) for your husband, while it may take work, you can also have a chance to experience love (and SEX) the way GOD wanted it to be. And you can bet your bottom dollar it's more mind-blowing than any novel…He IS Lord of the universe and created the act, ya know.
If something is lacking in that department, find out what it is….and WORK on it. Marriage is work right? I have spent years of my life terrified of intimacy because of what was done to me so many years ago. I have prohibited my husband and I from experiencing God-driven intimacy….but we're working on it. And not through sex driven images or novels or toys or other things. But through fervent prayer, counseling, and communication. I respect my husband enough to not resort to other means to become aroused and stuff away all my intimacy issues (that would be a lie, anyway)…and he respects me enough that when I tell him, "I'm anxious….I'm scared", he hugs me, holds me, and prays for God to come into our room and provide us comfort and rest. That is a stark contrast to the domination and control displayed of the female in Fifty Shades of Grey and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what type of man most women would prefer. In fact- for someone like I, who was a victim of sexual abuse where control was taken away from me, a book like this could be damaging to the core bring back past memories and instilling the fact that men will always have control in the bedroom. What a horrid horrid painful lie…
I know that I've ranted in a completely random, non calculated manner…some of this makes no sense. But I just want to warn women of the harm that can occur with books like this. It is the EXACT SAME THING has your husband disrespecting you through pornographic visualization. If I'm the only one that sees the danger in this, then well then by God- I must be the only one with sense in the world. But I have a hope and trust in the intimacy that God has promised me and my husband. Not a hope in the world because the world will always fail you.
So put the book down. Look at your amazing husband, father of your children, and your partner in life and choose HIM. Besides, didn't you vow to choose him when you made those vows? Choose Him and choose him. It will be the best thing you ever did for your relationship.
The book is called Fifty Shades of Grey by E L James. It's a New York Times bestseller and is receiving a following like Harry Potter and Twilight, except the audience is women…young adult, middle aged, and so on. It's a piece of erotic fiction based on a young woman who meets a manipulative billionaire who brings her into the world of bondage, control, and domination. The chapters are filled with explicit sex scenes where this girl is no longer in control, yet this man is.
MMMMMMMMK- Lots of things wrong with this picture and I have no idea where to start.
Let's begin:
One of the main things that bothers me about the premise of this book (I have not read it, nor ever intend to, and will question the motives of any of my girlfriends that would) is that it's basically porn…it's porn for women. Men WATCH sexual movies, porn, whatever because they are visually stimulated. Women are different…we're emotionally stimulated. It's why books like Twilight and Nicholas Sparks receive so much attention…the love stories in them arouse our innate desire to be loved and romanced. It's a desire that was put in us by God, but His purpose for that desire was to be fulfilled by Him and our husband…that's it. Not Edward or Jacob. Not Zac-freaking-Efron in The Lucky One or Noah in the Notebook. But by your husband. Many women find themselves reading these books, swooning, and then subconsciously comparing the characters to their own husbands…their own flawed husbands (as we all are) don't stand a chance against the 'perfect' imaginary characters that will never know life outside the ink of a paperback. I was once talking to a friend who was rereading the Twilight series and even said something along the lines of, "I wish (my husband) was more like Edward"…I immediately told her to put the book down and I felt so very sorry for the standard that was set before her husband to 'measure up'.
We are also creatures who crave intimacy. It was set forth in the garden of Eden when Adam and Eve were not scared to be naked in front of each other. It was explicitly described in Song of Soloman…the perfect intimate relationship to be had between a husband and wife that was created by an intimate God. What a beautiful thing!!!!
This intimacy is defiled by many things…sexual abuse, pornography addictions, adultery, the list goes on. It can be a grueling thing to dig through the mess of a sinful world to truly experience the supernatural intimacy that God has created for us. In fact, on a personal note- I am painstakingly working, praying, fasting every day to allow the Lord to heal my wounded heart from sexual abuse. I cry out in prayer, my husband lays hands on me nightly and prays over our home, and we are crawling out of a pit so that one day we may experience intimacy the way God intended for it to happen. Sometimes we're caught off guard and blessed by it and oh- the fragrance of the Lord is so sweet! But this corrupt world has distorted what God intended to be beautiful, and sexual, and intimate, and intense into…well…a mess!
Books like this one, where women are caught up in the emotional intimate plot line are NOT what God intended for your sex life with your husband. Many fans of the book would argue that they like that the male character in the book is 'in control' and 'dominating' over his female partner since they feel so out of control in their own lives…is that what true intimacy looks like? I dare you, those that have read the book and consider themselves Christians, to compare the sexual scenes in 'FSOG' to Song of Soloman….I would guess they paint themselves in very different lights. I'll bet you my entire disability check on it….
"But I don't feel fulfilled in my intimate life with my spouse!" "But I like the way it grabs me into the book and I can't put it down!" Blah blah blah blah blah! Does it look like I give a flying flip about why you seem to enjoy this book….it's probably the same reasons a man looking at pornographic websites would give and if that was your husband, you would throw the computer out of the window. Women- RESPECT your husbands enough to allow HIM to be the only one that enters the intimate atmosphere of your life like that. Men view respect from their wives as love…They want to be respected. They need to be respected. Respect the God who created a husband for you to love, and cherish, and be your spiritual leader. He makes no mistake! As soon as you start reserving all intimacy (physical and emotional- yes I'm talking about that coworker you flirt with at lunch or freaking-ugly-Edward in Twilight) for your husband, while it may take work, you can also have a chance to experience love (and SEX) the way GOD wanted it to be. And you can bet your bottom dollar it's more mind-blowing than any novel…He IS Lord of the universe and created the act, ya know.
If something is lacking in that department, find out what it is….and WORK on it. Marriage is work right? I have spent years of my life terrified of intimacy because of what was done to me so many years ago. I have prohibited my husband and I from experiencing God-driven intimacy….but we're working on it. And not through sex driven images or novels or toys or other things. But through fervent prayer, counseling, and communication. I respect my husband enough to not resort to other means to become aroused and stuff away all my intimacy issues (that would be a lie, anyway)…and he respects me enough that when I tell him, "I'm anxious….I'm scared", he hugs me, holds me, and prays for God to come into our room and provide us comfort and rest. That is a stark contrast to the domination and control displayed of the female in Fifty Shades of Grey and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what type of man most women would prefer. In fact- for someone like I, who was a victim of sexual abuse where control was taken away from me, a book like this could be damaging to the core bring back past memories and instilling the fact that men will always have control in the bedroom. What a horrid horrid painful lie…
I know that I've ranted in a completely random, non calculated manner…some of this makes no sense. But I just want to warn women of the harm that can occur with books like this. It is the EXACT SAME THING has your husband disrespecting you through pornographic visualization. If I'm the only one that sees the danger in this, then well then by God- I must be the only one with sense in the world. But I have a hope and trust in the intimacy that God has promised me and my husband. Not a hope in the world because the world will always fail you.
So put the book down. Look at your amazing husband, father of your children, and your partner in life and choose HIM. Besides, didn't you vow to choose him when you made those vows? Choose Him and choose him. It will be the best thing you ever did for your relationship.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Woah Nelly!
Two evenings ago, when I pressed that publish button, I never expected the reaction that I received from my "Disease of Perfection" blog. In fact, the almost immediate comments, filling of my inbox, emails, and text messages took me by surprise….okay-lie- they kind of freaked me out a bit. I cried. I kicked. I wondered why the hell I ever did this. I refused to look at them throughout the day. I never, in a million years, would have thought that THAT many people would care what I had to say…
After I hurt my back, I got hundreds of "We love you, Liz!" comments and likewise for this post. That's not what brought me to my knees….but it was the vast multitudes of "I have the same feelings and have never had the guts to reveal them". "I've been in your shoes, but I've battled it alone". "I, too, can't seem to be perfect enough". "We are so alike in what we've been through and never even knew it"…..I have received close to one hundred responses, many of which are also girls that cry out with similar or the same issues that were brought out in the open the other day. (PS: I will personally get back to all of you soon! There are a lot of messages so it'll take me awhile…)
Let's forget about the whole, "You are so brave, courageous, bladdy bladdy blah" stuff. Was it courageous to press the publish button…No. I felt it put on my heart by God so I had a peace about it. But was it anxiety provoking when my iPhone acted like it was having seizures because of the responses? Uh- YEAH! Not that I really thought that someone would be like- "You anorexic whore that's still not thin enough! Idiot!"…ha- I just realized, "Oh crap…..I did this. People know. And I can't turn back."
That's the point. John 1:4-5 'What came into existence was Life, and the Life was LIGHT to live by. The Light blazed out the darkness; the darkness couldn't put it out." This verse was my heart when writing the last blog. The eating disorders, anxiety, and mess was the darkness that had been hidden away for so long…eating (no pun intended, even though it is kind of funny in a dark sense of humor) away at ever fiber of my being all while staying "secret". By bringing it OUT, out into the LIGHT, it can no longer retreat back into the dark. I might now start living the life intended for me because my demons are out of their comfort zone and into the Lord's light. God's light penetrates everything around it (For He IS the Light) and I'm so excited to bask in it in a more full way than ever before.
I also believe that the many girls who came to me with similar lives is a testament to how serious this Disease of Perfection is. It effects your daughter, mother, sister, boss, heck- even men in our lives feel immense pressure to be the perfect provider, man, lover, etc. So why are we keeping this quiet, and by doing so, giving it power?! I want, more than anything, to show that this is something WORTH talking about!
1 in 4 college-aged women engage in binging and purging (bulimia).
Over one HALF of girls and one THIRD of men resort to unhealthy weight control behaviors such as fasting, purging, vomiting, taxing laxatives, etc.
Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.
http://www.anad.org/get-information/about-eating-disorders/eating-disorders-statistics/
Now, do you think that's something worth talking about? Facts are- you either are or know someone who suffers from this disease (hellooooo- you are reading my blog). And this doesn't even delve into other symptoms of perfectionism such as anxiety disorder, panic disorder, depression, and OCD.
I'm here, taking a stand and saying "It's okay to talk about". The darkness will not control us any longer than we let it. Screw the stigma….I dare you to find one person in the world who doesn't have baggage they'd prefer to keep secret. So cast the first stone, hun. I'm a raggedy mess who doesn't have to climb out entirely on my own thanks to the grace of God (whole other blog post…or two…or eight).
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Disease of Perfection
I've been wanting to write about this topic for awhile now, but have been unsure exactly how to put it into words. How do you verbalize something that penetrates your very being every moment of every day of every year since you can remember? How do you speak out about something with such a potent stigma, something so many will judge you for, look down upon you for, and even perpetuate the very thing that is destroying you internally. I don't really know…I don't really know a lot of things as this blog has made very clear, but I want to be clear and free from one thing- the disease of perfectionism.
I don't remember when my obsession with being perfect started. I remember going to the pool in middle school with a friend and realizing that she was in a cute little bikini and when I tried on one of her extras, I looked nothing like her. I remember being on instant messenger in middle school when an anonymous screen name bullied me, calling me fat and ugly with the blunt bangs that I had for as long as I remember. I guess it was middle school when I realized that people are different and the world isn't nice...if I wanted to survive, I needed to try harder. Of course, this perpetuated when I lost weight my sophomore year of high school and started receiving positive attention. Was that ever enough? Of course not....I had to be the best to avoid negative consequences. Best at the things I cared about- band, guard, appearances, grades, etc...Setting myself high expectations that could never be achieved. Setting myself up to fail. And there the cycle continues. I always strive to please the people I look up to. Pleasing others....what a fruitless effort. Of course- this thought process brought many accolades, awards, and positive attention that would make any parent gloat with pride. But inside- where was I? Inside that perky exterior was (and still is) someone screaming to just be "okay" with not being "perfect"....
Don't give me the lecture of "Jesus was the only one that was perfect and he died for you not being perfect and yada yada yada yada.....". That's nice and dandy and one that I, and many others, struggle to still whole heartedly surrender to. I'm just being honest about it. In fact, I've been burned by a Christian and 'leader' in a former home church that criticized me for not being able to totally give myself up to that. There's a lot of work to be done there.....I know that.
I don't know how far I want to delve into my symptoms of this disease. I call it a disease because it's something that I can't break on my own...It's something that will destroy my life if I continue down this road. I wonder if not diving into what I struggle with simply reflects my fear of what other people think....isn't that what I do while giving into perfectionism? Worrying about disappointing others? And if I don't go there- what worldly impact could this post ever make? What if there's someone out there who is just like me and thinks, "Wow- she has it all together" when the opposite is oh-so-true and I just hide it well.
I guess we'll go there- let the repercussions come as they may.
-I'm about to be a 25 year old who has spent 13 years of her life over a toilet, tupperware bowl, anything to get out the food that I just ingested because of the massive guilt it caused me.
-I am what the world would consider a beautiful girl and yet, all I can see is the "man face" that I was called over AOL instant messenger.
-I pretend I love food, but in fact- I dread meals and believe I'll never be thin enough.
-I was the child who was terrified to tell my parents things because I was scared I'd disappoint them.
-I was the new graduate nurse who was more scared of disappointing my preceptors and mentors than making some other type of mistake.
-I am a newlywed to the most handsome, loving husband in the world, yet can't love him properly because of a traumatic experience that happened to me with a former boyfriend.
-I am the girl who cried herself to sleep all through high school (in the midst of being president of our girl's club, a soloist in both band, symphony, and guard, national honor society, etc) and wished that life would just slip away from me.
-I have had panic attacks since high school that kept me from reaching my full potential in band and guard. Those same attacks plague me still.
-I'm lonely...oh-so-very lonely emotionally. It's not like people share this dirty laundry and I have someone who I can relate to.
-I am on anti-anxiety medication to keep me from hyperventilating during panic attacks that can last hours every single day. I disguise them as allergies or asthma.
-I am on an an anti-depressant medication and the only thing I can think about is how I hope it doesn't make me gain weight.
-I would be considered clinically depressed, having bulimia nervosa, anorexia nervosa, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety disorder.
-There's a part of me that doesn't want to get better (I told you I was going there....)
There she blows. Many of things not even those closest to me know, so I have a feel that there will be a lot of "LUUUUUUCY! YOU HAVE SOME 'SPLAININ TO DO!!!!" But, There I am- the ugly and dirty parts that people, especially Christians, try to hide with all their might. The parts that I HAVE HID for the majority of my life. I'm done hiding...I'm TIRED. I'm EXHAUSTED of hiding. I'm tired of LYING...isn't that what it is??
All of these things are kept 'mum' in Christian circles (or at least the unfortunate ones I've been in). I, for one, am pretty darned glad that Jesus hung out with prostitutes, tax collectors, lepers and the scums of society...if that's what all those things make me, then I guess I'll be the one washing His feet while those who keep quiet are in the kitchen. That's a pretty good deal it seems.
I don't need tons of comments with "self help" advice nor do I need pity. Lord- doesn't it seem like I have enough pity in my life as it is? I'm just trying to be honest and open and translucent. No one's life is as it seems from the outside. I've lost friends over this and I'm prepared to lose more. But my real ones- well they are treasures worth far more than gold. They know that really- I'm not that different than many other people out there and if we could all just love, and accept, and be kinder in our every day meetings- then maybe there wouldn't be the need to try and die to be perfect. All of us who are like me dream of the freedom that contentment would feel like…to me it seems like it would be like sea-mist spraying on my face. Flying perhaps? Maybe even galloping through a field with reckless abandon. I hope that one day this not-so-secret-anymore will be a stepping stone to something great…until then- I humble myself before the Lord and you all. And that's about all the strength I can muster and for once, I'm content with that being enough….
Step One: Admitting The Problem
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